Artist In Me

Artist In Me

You bring out the artist in me
Stroking you in vivid colors
brushing golden rays across
your face
Sculpting you like clay,
wet in my hands
molding you into curves and shapes.
Taking pictures of you
in black and white,
every angle, pore, expression
frozen in Miss Daisy elegance
for me to make into a collage
You awaken the artist in me
Words spoken to ink
and spilled onto paper
Images of you
created by the twirl
of my hand
And brought to life
by my voice
I inhale you
like you are the sweetest bread,
dough pressed with
my fingertips, stretched,
pulled, and massaged
into your beautiful form
And heated to perfection
so I may taste you,
steaming on my tongue
You set fire to the artist in me
I sing melodies of you
violin, mixed with wind
and oceans
lyrics curling, touching
your lips, eyes, and hair,
fragmenting, sweet legatto
flowing to the rhythm
of my hands
as they conduct you,
my song
You feed the artist in me

I found it

all of it
and i took it
grasped it in my hands,
slid it through my fingers,
caught it before
it could touch the ground,
and i caressed it,
i watered it with tears,
kissed it with chapped lips,
whispered love poems to it,
promised it things,
kept it safe,
shared it, gave it away
and shattered myself for it
and it grew,
grew so big, so large, so powerful
it took me in it's hands,
caressed me,
watered me,
kissed me,
sang to me,
and we are one.

A Laying on of Hands by Ntozake Shange

i waz missing somethin
somethin so important
somethin promised
a layin on of hands
fingers near my forehead
strong
cool
movin
makin me whole
sense pure
all the gods comin into me
layin me open to myself
i waz missing somethin
somethin promised
somethin free
a layin on of hands
i know bout/layin on bodies/layin outta man
bringin him alla my fleshy self & some of my pleasure
bein taken full eager wet like i get sometimes
i waz missing somethin
a layin on of hands
not a man
layin on
not my mama/holdin me tight/sayin
i'm laways gonna be her girl
not a layin on of bosom and womb
a layin on of hands
the holiness of myself released

i sat up one nite walkin a boardin house
screamin/cryin/the ghost of another woman
who waz missin what i waz missin
i wanted to jump up outta my bones
& be done wit myself
leave me alone
& go on in the wind
it waz too much
i fell into a numbness
til the only tree i cd see
took me up in her branches
held me in the breeze
made me dawn dew
that chill at daybreak
the sun wrapped me up swingin rose light everywhere
the sky laid over me like a million men
i waz cold/i waz burnin up/a child
& endlessly weavin garments for the moon
wit my tears
i found god in myself
& i loved her/i loved her fiercely

Tantalize

Tantalize

I daydream deep into the night
Images of roses never given
Valentine's day has forgotten me
Your lips curve into a perfect smile
and you shake my hand

Darling, your fingers are so smooth
Your gaze is so penetrating
Your eyes are so fathomless
You are so tantalizing

My perception of you is twisted
I only see what's obvious
But I'm like a glass of water to you
Pouring onto your hands and
breaking onto your skin

Darling, your fingers are so smooth
your gaze is so penetrating
Your eyes are so fathomless
You are so tantalizing

I'll take what I can from you
but you'll always have every piece
of me

Darling, your fingers are so smooth
your gaze is so penetrating
Your eyes are so fathomless
You are so tantalizing

Dripping Rubies

She glided through life
like clouds filled with jewels
holding tight to what she had, who she was
She deflected every grin,
brushed off every touch,
sidestepped every question
She never needed anything
until he came along with his
honey words and deep looks
He smiled at her desperately,
and his hands seemed to mold
to her waist, fitting her perfectly
against him.
He caused thunderstorms in her heart
and static in her thoughts
as she ran her fingers through his hair.
He whispered that he loved
the taste of her cherry lips
and the way her skin felt against his.
She felt her clouds began to pour
as she relinquished her precious jewels
to this Latin lover as he swayed her
and gave her the moon and stars
only for one night
She begin to fade away,
losing everything that made her herself,
and by dawn, as he
yanked up his pants and kissed her cheek,
telling her she wasn't half bad
she lay on the bed,
dripping rubies and crying diamonds.

A Laying on of Hands

Ntozake Shange wrote a poem called "A Laying on of Hands". That's what I need. Not a man's hands, I've felt that, not my mother's hugs or the feeling of a child in my womb. My hands. I need the Goddess within me opened, myself laid bare before me so I can collect it and love it fiercely. I need the touch of myself, the completeness of being a woman, of being beautiful. I need to take myself apart, examine each piece, then fit it all back together in my own way, make my own puzzle. I need a laying on of hands. A promise. A freedom.

<3 Sarah

New Year's Resolution

I know it's still December, but I need to start this resolution now. Last night, I dyed my hair back to it's natural color so it can grow out long and pretty. My resolution is to not dye it for the next year, and probably longer. When I go to Belize, I refuse to dye it.

<3 Sarah

I tried to kill myself once

Years ago, I tried to kill myself. Veronica was spending the night and we were in my room. I had the ibuprofen in front of me. I started thinking about my cousin who had tried to kill herself a year before by taking 14 ibuprofen. I counted out 15 ibuprofen and laid them all in front of me. I was sitting on the floor, Veronica was on my bed talking. She was in one of her moods where she looses focus and just says stuff, attempting to sound deep but failing. She sounded high. I started thinking about things. I wasn't stressed. I had nothing to be upset about. Veronica glanced over and asked why i had all those pills. I didn't answer, she didn't ask again. She turned away and started talking again. I took the pills two by two with a glass of water. Right afterwards, I realized what I had done and ran into my mom's room. I told her that I'd taken the pills and she made me stick my finger down my throat and vomit them out in the toilet. I was fine. There is no real reason why I did it. I've told myself it was to get Veronica's attention. I've told myself my dad was the problem. But honestly, there was no reason. I just did it without caring. It wasn't until afterward I realized how much I wanted to live. My mom talked to me and I told her I did it so Veronica would see how much it sucks to know someone you care about tried to commit suicide. I didn't tell Veronica anything. My mom told my dad. He yelled at me over the phone. He told me it was stupid and I didn't have a reason. He was right, but I was pissed that he yelled at me. Would he have yelled if I'd gone to the hospital? If I had started vomiting uncontrollably and nearly died, would he have still yelled? I still wonder that. But I'm never going to do that again.