Fast As You Can by Fiona Apple

Question?

If you meet someone online, should you meet them in person?

Thanksgiving

I was sick for Thanksgiving. I was so weak in the morning and so freezing cold and achy that my mom had to make the pie i was going to make. But then we got to Aunt Ruth's house and everyone was there. People don't realize how much my family makes me feel better. I was in the living room for thirty minutes before i was told to go lay down on Aunt Ruth's waterbed. I didn't get any sleep the night before so the waterbed formed to my body and i fell asleep immediately. they woke me up for turkey and food but I couldn't eat. Then I felt better so we took a walk like we always do and sat around the pond for a while. Towns, Mandi and Onlo's dog, got loose from Mandi and jumped into the sewage water pond. He smelled wretched! That ended our calm pond trip and we walked back to the house. Everyone thought we'd be eating pie but it was time for kitchen cleaning instead. All the meal food was placed in bags, the turkey was picked from the bones and the kitchen was clean. During all this I got to talk to Corey and everyone and he brought out his diggeridoos and we played them and Timothy played the guitar and the little boys ran around like crazy people outside, rolling skateboards down the hill. I went outside with Mat and Skylar and little Skylar and Rhone and watched them be ridiculous. It was adorable. I don't want to write anymore. This sucks.

Sexy Twilight Men

Independence

I'm going to talk to my mom about my independence. Lately I've been restless. I've been wanting to move out and be on my own. I want a job and an apartment and no roommates. Just me. I want to be able to make my own decisions without her looking over my shoulder, punishing me when I make bad ones. I feel oppressed. I love my mom, but it's time for me to go. It's not about wanting to hang with friends, it's about growing up and needing to be free. I need to make my own decisions and not have to worry about what she's going to do to me when she finds out. I'm tired of being controlled. I'm mature enough to make it on my own. I'm strong enough, I'm ready. Let's hope she understands.

<3 Sarah

Twilight!

I just saw Twilight. ORGASM!!!! Jacob Black is a beautiful creature. He had the long hair, the look, everything! I even though Billy was attractive. Edward disappointed me a little bit. I don't like the sparkle in the sun effect, reminded me too much of my little pony. But i love the part where Bella tells Charlie that Edward wants to meet him and he closes the shotgun and says "bring him in". but I think my favorite lines are these:

Edward: So the lion fell in love with the lamb
Bella: What a stupid lamb.
Edward: What a sick, masochistic lion.

Amazing! I would be a stupid lamb but i would definitely ditch Edward for Jacob.

<3 Sarah

Deliver Us From Evil

So yesterday Mr. Cunningham (english teacher) made us watch this documentary called Deliver Us From Evil about this Catholic priest who has molested and raped over 100 children. The documentary showed parents of different victims and the victims themselves talking about what had happened and how much they had trusted this priest. And the Catholic Church, the hierarchy, instead of dismissing him and pressing charges, moved him from parish to parish, from one group of kids to another, exposing more children to such horrid abuse. After the movie, I felt nauseous. It hurts and sickens me to know that this was allowed to go on, that parents were so oblivious, that a holy priest could do such a thing! His youngest victim was said to be a 9 month old baby girl!!!!! A child psychiatrist who had worked with several of the victimized children stated "it's very hard for us to think about. most people pretend it didn't happen. But imagine if you will a grown man, about forty years of age, forcing his penis into the vagina of a 9 month old baby." It's true, most people pretend these things don't happen. Most people are indifferent until it happens to them. Don't be indifferent. speak up.

Criminal by Fiona Apple live

new poem

I Am

I am more.
I am not what you see,
I am what you breathe,
I am the touch you feel between
Dreaming and waking
Because you don’t like to sleep alone either
I am an optimist, a pessimist, a sadist,
An activist, a feminist,
I am a smirk, looking down
On the world,
I am a frown, a tear, and scowl,
A broken heart pleading
And killing all in my grasp
I am emotional, sensual, physical,
Sexual, spiritual,
I am a body filled with water
And on fire
I am an ocean,
Swaying with every choice,
Mixing every decision
I am a song,
Melodious, loud, soft and sweet,
I am tyranny and
Your savior, the shoulder you want to cry on
I am unstable, unable, capable,
Palpable, intangible
I am everything you love
And everything you hate
I am perfectly flawed,
So important I don’t matter,
I am pure and innocent,
And stained and spotted
I am happy when I cry
And sad when I laugh
I am honest and deceiving,
Slipping you a lie
I am narcissistic, masochistic, inerratic,
Ecstatic, enigmatic
I am more.

Pretender

Well you’re a poor, poor soul
You write love poems at night
And fill the silence with helpless sighs
I don’t think you’ll ever grow
You smoke away your emotions
And don’t understand what it means to love

You’re a pretender, a cutter, a hopeless man
I like to watch you fall without offering a hand
It’s funny the way you gasp and scream
The way your eyes grow wide as you reach out to me

Well I’m a poor, poor soul
On the verge of insanity
I want you baby but you’re not what I need
You think I’m putting on a show
I am way too much to take
I will bend you till you break

You’re a pretender, a cutter, a hopeless man
I like to watch you fall without offering a hand
It’s funny the way you gasp and scream
The way your eyes grow wide as you reach out to me

Try a little harder baby
I’m not gonna save you
And risk my sanity
Cause I need to find something better than you
A new drug that won’t hurt me like you do

Cause you’re a pretender, a cutter, a hopeless man
I like to watch you fall without offering a hand
It’s funny the way you gasp and scream
The way your eyes grow wide as you reach out to me

Stay on the Ground

Perfection is a flaw in itself
and you are perfect in every way
You bury real emotion
under the appearance of confidence
You are black and white
and every shade of gray
Your conversation is made of
lies and awkward silence

I slip in and out of consciousness around you
I have to swallow my thoughts around you
I have to stand completely still or I'll fall for you again
And this time I'll stay on the ground

Watching you explain
is like watching a clock break
You get so passionate
when talking about what you don't understand
You're so improvised
but I can predict every move you make
You think you're so
spiritual but you hold me with dirty hands

I slip in and out of consciousness around you
I have to swallow my thoughts around you
I have to stand completely still or I'll fall for you again
And this time I'll stay on the ground
I'll stay on the ground
I'll stay on the ground
I'll stay on the ground

There Was No Way To Say No

Delayed reactions are never safe around you
If I wait too long to push you away
I won't be able to
The way you grip me so strong
Keep my demons at bay
grasp me in your arms
I love how you feel against me
Stuck between you and this wall
I don't even want to be free
You kiss like you're praying
Make me feel small
You make it feel like a sin

I had to give in
There was no way to say no
I had to let you take me
There was no way to say no

I'd like to say I was feeling lonely
that I couldn't hear
And I couldn't possibly have seen
You accepted me for what I am
But I shed no tears
And you knew that you were gonna win

I still don't think it's fair
There was no way to say no
How can you walk away now
There was way to say no

No more sleeping in the streets
No more taking up with you
No more spontaneous decisions of the worst kind
Because baby I'm through

And it wasn't right
There was no way to say no
I'm growing up all of a sudden
There was no way to say no

I am finally saying goodbye

Today I realized that all he does is hurt me. He says he loves me, he buys me things, he lets me vent. But he also tells me i constantly make him feel like shit, I never keep my promises, I am killing him. So today I have decided to tell him he needs to leave. It's time for this whacked out friendship to end. It's time for me to stop enabling him to use me. I'm done listening to his lies. I'm done shirking my responsibilities for him. I'm going to say goodbye for good this time. And I am damn proud of myself.

<3 Sarah

Bare by Sarah Hutchcraft

Something inside me broke and
I cried and cried
until my pillow was soggy with my tears
But it wasn't just for you
It wasn't because of what you did
It was because I let you.
I let you come into my house,
my bed, my sheets, my carpet,
smelling of cheap cologne
stripping me bare
of clothes, of emotion
until you could feel me naked with your fingers,
those smooth, greedy fingers
I let your touch warm me
pretending you could love me
like I loved you
But knowing deep down where
it still hurts, where it hurt the most
that all you loved was the passion,
my body, the way i felt in
your hands, sweaty with desire
I let you kiss me with
curved lips in a wicked grin
warning me each moment that
it wasn't the real me you wanted
and you stripped me bare
of clothes, of emotion
until you could see me naked with your eyes,
those cold, unfeeling eyes
I let you stare me down,
soaking every inch of me into
the darkness of your power over me
Glinting, sparkling, intensified
until I fell to my knees so
I wouldn't look at you,
couldn't look at you because
I could see every part of me
reflected in those dark mirrors
I let you find my soul,
and stroke it until it exploded
and then my heart, taking
it slowly and painfully,
ripping it out piece by piece,
taking my blood, drop by drop
stripping me bare
of clothes, of emotion
until you could smell me naked with your nose
that sharp, soft nose
I let you smell the fear,
the deep longing for you
and you took it and got high
with it, snorting it like i was cocaine
or some evil drug but you
only pretended to lose your senses,
smelling my cold skin,
the perfume that I'd put on
just for you, the shampoo still
strong in my wet hair
I let you catch the aroma
of determination, of desire
and it made your own desire
almost unbearable
and you stripped me bare
of clothes, of emotion
until you could taste me naked with your tongue
that slick, hot tongue
I let you taste my dry
chapped lips and bring them to life,
following the lines and curves
of my body, siwrling away
the sweat trickling down my stomach,
tasting the tense muscles underneath
my skin and releasing them
with overwhelming ecstasy you
search with the tip of your tongue,
studying me, understanding me,
with every sweet suckle I accept you,
I accept you, Tongue marking me,
claiming me so you could trash me
and strip me bare
of clothes, of emotion
until I was naked and cold,
reaching in the darkness for you,
for something, and I grasp-nothing.

Dying in my arms

So there's this boy, right. He's my best friend, I've known him for four years. Now he's telling me he's going to die. He says he had a mental breakdown and he needed me and i make him feel like shit but he wants to be with me forever until he dies so he can die in peace even though i upset him and weaken him. What the fuck am I supposed to do? Half of me thinks he's lying and is super pissed off but the other half wants to cry forever and hold onto him. I love him like a brother but i can't fall in love with him. For some reason that never works. I don't know what to do.

<3 Sarah

Sweet Sacrifice by Evanescence

It's true, we're all a little insane
But it's so clear now that I am unchained

Fear is only in our minds
Taking over all the time
Fear is only in our minds,
But it's taking over all the time

You poor, sweet, innocent thing
Dry your eyes and testify
You know you live to break me -- don't deny,
Sweet sacrifice

One day, I'm gonna forget your name
And one sweet day, you're gonna drown in my lost pain

Fear is only in our minds
Taking over all the time
Fear is only in our minds,
But its taking over all the time

You poor, sweet, innocent thing
Dry your eyes and testify
And oh, you love to hate me don't you, honey?
I'm your sacrifice...

[I dream in darkness
I sleep to die
Erase the silence
Erase my life
Our burning ashes
Blacken the day
A world of nothingness
Blow me away]

Do you wonder why you hate?
Are you still too weak to survive your mistakes?

You poor, sweet, innocent thing
Dry your eyes and testify
You know you live to break me -- don't deny,
Sweet sacrifice

Still I Rise by Maya Angelou

Still I Rise

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

This is just weird and disgusting...so read it and tell me what you think

My Invisible Master

My name is Michelle. I am 35 years old today - the 7th of October 2003. I decided to write to you today because I have been freed—freed by my invisible master. I'm taking a huge risk writing this – but, I NEED to off-load!

Now, about my invisible master:

He first appeared to me when I was 6 years old.

One day, my mom took me out shopping. She left me alone to keep an eye on the shopping bags while she went to relieve herself in the supermarket loo. While standing there guarding the groceries, I heard a strong and deep commanding voice in my head.

“What are you doing here all alone, little girl?” It said from behind me.

I turned around and there stood this big, ominous stranger. I was immediately captivated by his perfect black physique and a shinny round bald head. I stood there scared, and could not move or say anything.

“I want to be your friend. Is that alright?” he asked politely.

I simply nodded and managed a weak smile. He stooped down to my level and kissed my lips. At that point, I wanted to cry because my mother had always warned me against men kissing or touching me. She said it was wrong. I thought then that I was doing something wrong. But I couldn't cry because I was frozen stiff by his sheer presence. He said he wanted to be with me and would give me anything I wanted if I accepted him as a friend forever. To this day (I don't know why) I felt compelled to accept. When I did, our friendship began.

When my mother returned she didn't even notice Albach standing beside me. I was astonished, but somehow I knew he was only for my eyes.

Since that day, Albach had been my invisible friend. He would play with me, protect me from everyone, and introduced me to my body. He often told me how beautiful my body was and that I should love it as much as he did. I was confused and I didn't like talking about it but Albach knew how to make me submit. He just had to put his finger against my lips and say “ Sssssh, ” and I would allow him whatever he wanted.

As time went by, I became comfortable about talking about my body with him. I treated it as a game. Albach never touched me though, he only kissed my lips and face.

Once, when I was eight years old, I had a classmate, Tim, over at my house. We had an art project to build a cardboard house. Suddenly Albach appeared. He looked angry. He didn't like me bringing a boy home but he didn't say anything. I knew Tim couldn't see Albach so I didn't talk to Albach either. Albach had always advised me against talking to him whenever other people were present. It would make me look crazy he'd say.

Soon, Albach went away and left us to our art project. Then suddenly I felt a strange desire to play with Tim the “game” me and Albach always played. I started to ask Tim very personal questions about his body. Tim was uncomfortable at first, but like me, he too got used to it. As we talked about the differences in our bodies, I became curious and wanted to see the differences. Tim, of course, was embarrassed. I don't know how I did it, but I managed to persuade him to undress. It seemed Albach had imparted a powerful persuasion talent to me.

Seeing Tim naked was strange at first. We giggled and didn't dare look at one another. Tim quickly got himself dressed and wanted to leave but I manage to persuade him to stay. I don't know how it started but somehow we ended up kissing. I felt very aroused and wanted to do more but didn't know what else to do. I needed Albach for that.

While we were still kissing, Albach appeared and was very angry at us. He grabbed Tim's neck and squeezed and shook him violently. Obviously, Tim didn't feel anything but I screamed hysterically for Albach to stop. My screams frightened Tim and he ran out of the room. My screams had also attracted my mother who thought Tim had abused me, and barred him from ever coming over again. I never defended Tim because Albach told me he would harm him if I did.

When my mother left the room, Albach pinned me down and stared deeply down into my eyes. I knew he wanted to punish me and he did. He told me to strip, I did. He told me to lie down, I did. Then, without another word, he kiss me. He kissed me hard, and it hurt but I never made a sound because I thought I deserved the punishment for making him angry. Then he began to kiss my neck gently. I became confused at what he was doing; I thought I was being punished but he was giving me so much pleasure kissing my neck. I don't know if it was a psychological thing but I started to cry. I felt I should cry when punished. Seeing me cry, Albach stopped and went away.

Years passed and my friends had boyfriends except for me. But, I was the only one who had seen a man in his entirety. How ironic I thought. Yes, at this stage, I had already seen what Albach looked like under his clothes, and played various games to attain and give pleasure.

Sometimes I was scared thinking about the games. I wondered what he would play next. I knew one day we would play “the” ultimate game, the game that would include opening my sacred door. But when?

On the evening of my sixteenth birthday, I thought was the time. I lay on the bed, tired after my birthday party. All I wanted was sleep. Then, a white smoke began to form at the top right corner of my room. It formed into a human figure, and I knew it would be a long night. I had no rights for protest against Albach and his needs. He pressed himself against me and asked me if I was ready. I could say nothing but nod. I intuitively knew what he wanted and willingly gave in to him. I was surprised that he didn't kill my virginity that night. After I nodded, he smiled and left.

On 6th January 1984, Albach was different. He had raging lust in his eyes. He had always done things to me, things that were paled compared to what he had in mind today. He demanded that I give him all of me. I was afraid yet excited. I had always enjoyed the things he did to me, and I knew today I was going to get the ultimate enjoyment.

Albach took me, he took every part of me, and he gave me every part of him. I took him in savagely. I was exploding in pain yet the exciting made me yearn for more. He took me to the moon and back multiple times and drowned me in ecstasy. I was only sixteen yet I had become a full woman. It was the best experience I have ever had in my entire life.

All the pleasure I gave Albach had transformed him into a raging bull; always hungry for lust. Albach had become my worst nightmare.

Before “the ” day, Albach appeared once a week and we'd talk, kiss, and do a little hanky-panky, but since he "had" me, he never left me alone. He was there every second of my life. I wasn't free to talk to anyone without him eavesdropping. I didn't even have privacy in the toilet or in the shower. He would watch me, and sometimes, “ took ” me right there in the shower. He would touch me whenever he felt like it, without regards to where I was or what I was doing. His surprise attacks were exciting at first but I began to detest them later.

I remember one very embarrassing incident: I was in the tube(subway). Albach suddenly appeared behind me and started groping my entire body. It was irritating at first but Albach always knew how to arouse me, and I lost myself. I closed my eyes, and before I knew it, I was helplessly moaning. When I opened my eyes, everyone in the train had their jaws down to the floor. There were people frowning and there were people giggling. I heard a shocking remark, “Gosh, she was playing with herself!” I was so embarrassed and ran out of that car to another, and hopped off the train at the next station.

Embarrassing episodes like that were aplenty. I had had enough. It reached a point when the pleasure was only to have him leave. I was tired, really tired of Albach taking me whenever he felt like it. No matter how much I resisted, I couldn't fight him. He had the power to mould me in any way or form he wanted, anytime. I was stressed up to the point of explosion. I even tried to kill myself, but as you know, I was never alone and always under his spell, so, even that I couldn't do.

Years passed and I managed to live through the hellish times by focusing only on the good things he had done to me and for me. I thought of the physical pleasure he had given me in the initial months. He also gave me what other girls could only dream of—my own car, through being responsible for my father mysteriously becoming the sole beneficiary of the will of a distant uncle. I asked Albach about it but he only shook his head and pressed a gentle finger against my lips. “Don't ask,” he softly whispered.

One time, my mother was seriously ill. She had caught some strange flu and the doctors were unable to bring her fever down. If her fever would persist, she would suffer massive brain damage and die. I cried to Albach to do something. He listened patiently but said nothing. I cried desperately thinking his silent meant he couldn't help my mother. But, five hours later the hospital called and gave us good news—my mother's fever had subsided and her condition was stable. She was no longer in danger of dying. I was so happy. I felt even more indebted to Albach. I knew it was him who had helped my mom.

So, my hell was a little better when I thought about the good side of Albach, but it was hell nevertheless. I lived through it day by day. I couldn't run away, I couldn't confide in anyone, I couldn't even free myself with suicide. I felt so helpless and lonely. The only thing left for me was—Alcohol.

I turned to it when I was 22 and have not stopped ever since. I've managed to live in my prison a little easier with the bottle. My health is so bad now that I don't have long to live. As a matter of fact, Albach knows this, that's why he's decided to free me.

YES! I did it. I managed to free myself from my "invisible master."

I am very pleased to be able to tell you my story. It is true, everything about it. You may say I'm a “psycho” and the whole “Albach” thing was, or is, in my head and only in my head. Well, I don't care. To me it was real…VERY REAL!!!

But I'm not free from the bottle though. I believe I will die soon because my liver is badly damaged. But at least I can die in peace.

Tracy Zimbuwa, 35

Two Dead Boys

Mandi used to tell me the poem of the Two Dead Boys. Unfortunately, she told it differently from the copies they have on the internet. I know the lines but I don't know the lines that fit them together.

Here's the internet version:
"One bright day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys got up to fight
Back to back they faced each other
Drew their swords and shot each other
The deaf policemen heard the noise
They got up and shot the two dead boys
If you don't believe this lie is true
Ask the blind man he saw it too"

But the lines that are missing are these:
"One climbed a tree in the empty lot
The other turned the corner in the middle of the block"

I just can't figure out where they fit and it's critically important!

<3 Sarah

A Poem About Mandi

Naked, flame-red hair billowing
In the wind, the smell of marijuana
Deep in her nostrils
And the sharp burn of the bourbon
As it slides down her throat.
She leans back against the tree,
Watching the fire sway and flicker,
The smoke rise, feeling the beat
Of the hippies’ drums.
She loves the grass under her hand,
Loves the frivolity of the moment,
Loves the child she will go home to in the morning.
This is her last Gathering.
After this, she will become the mother faerie,
Golden Tink the mother,
Leading her elven child through life,
Teaching him to love like she does,
To trust, to understand.
She loves her family,
The way they scold her for what she is doing,
For the person she became.
She loves them for that.
She wants to teach drama,
To make young actors rise in their talents,
The artist in them spring to life like hers did.
That’s why she loves, because it’s art,
Because it’s beautiful, because of him,
Because of her, because the world sweeps
Her into its heart and she can never escape.