Happier Times

I was just thinking about the times before high school when I was hanging out with Vee all the time. We'd spend hours together, hanging out with a large group of friends, singing obnoxiously loud in Patti's van, then going back to Vee's after dropping everyone else off and talking all night about life and boys. That was back when I had a crush on Jordan and Sandor. Before I dated anyone. Just being able to have fun without worrying about anything.

Another memory is when I was younger and we lived in the trailer. When Mandi, Rhone, Mom, Timothy, and I all lived together there. We would clean the house while listening to Carlos Santana's song Maria Maria and dancing. Rhone was really little then. Those were the good times. Before we made messes of our lives.

What my ex thinks of me

So I've been talking to my ex. He's still in love with me but I'm not in love with him. He works at Home Depot and was talking to one of his friends from work about me so now this guy wants to talk to me. According to Marcos, this is what he told the guy:

"[I told him] youre a crazy, unstable, religious, jealous, caffine addicted, insomniac princess wanna be, who is more judgememtal of herself than anyone else and hates to be happy so he wanted to say hi."

Of course, he didn't really tell him that. It's kinda sad cause that's deadon.

Sunlight

You're so perfect.
Looking at you is like looking at the sun,
you blind me.
Your eyes burn through me,
you stare into my soul
I have nowhere to hide,
my heart is bare and open

You reach for my hands
I grab you close
You feel like summer
and fresh rain
I never want to let you go
It isn't fair
that you aren't mine,
I can't bear for you
to slip away again

You are beautiful
you look like an angel
Can you save me?

Zandar, Marcos, Dez & Sarah

Back from the Past

So my brother Jon got married like five years ago to Tif, who was pregnant with is son. They lived together until one morning the baby was screaming and crying so they took him to the hospital. At the hospital he was x-rayed and the doctors told them he had a broken arm and leg. Of course, since it was a baby, CPS had to get involved. They immediately blamed Jon and Tif turned on him and said he did it as well. Everyone who knows Jon knows he wouldn't hurt a fly. It was an obvious, malicious lie but it went to trial. Jon was put in jail until the trial and then released cause they had no bounds for arresting him in the first place. Once he was out they postponed the trial. Before the trial, he ran, taking off to another country. Their son, Zandar, was left with Tif. Now, just a few minutes ago, I got a friend request on myspace from Tif. we've talked a few times on myspace but i deleted her after i saw her bulletins and stuff all about getting drunk all the time and fucking and being high most of the time. Where is CPS now??? and why is Tif contacting me again???

I.Like.The.Way.You.Smell

I.like.the.way.you.smell.
It's like cheap cologne sprayed
at the last minute to cover up the sweat
and manliness.
It's like body oil, the clothes
you just pulled off the bed and
you don't know if they're
clean or dirty.
It's like your house, spicy
and thick but sharp and cold
at the exact same time.
It's like shirtless, fingers on me,
taking my scent and mixing
it up for me to inhale.
It's like manipulative, hot breath
with whatever you ate last
and my saliva.
It's like excited energy, constant
movement and desire spinning
my head, my mind.
It's like nerves and muscles,
tingling and tensing, relaxing,
opening and closing.
It's like intensity, burning,
melting, and dying slowly
in your exhausted arms.
I.like.the.way.you.smell.

For Marcos

It's over.
Again.
One, two, three times.
Three pairs of months with you.
Separated by the realization
of why I broke up with you the first time.
I keep forgetting.
And when I remember,
I break your heart all over again.
But this is the last time.
This is really the end.
It's really over.
No more presents-cards,
teddy bears, sodas, rings, necklaces,
posters, pictures, hats, shirts, socks.
No more.
I don't want it.
I don't want to lean on you.
Your advice, give it to someone else.
Because I'm not going to forget.
I'm not going to break your heart again.
I'm tired of that look.
It burns when you look at me like that.
I see the pain.
I know I caused it.
But this time it's really over.

Jackpot!

I was looking on the web for interesting things to waste time until my mom gets home. I found a website all about HIPPIES!!!

I was so excited!!!!! I didn't know hippies had politics other than no war, and peace and love. I think I'm a hippy to some extent.

I'm all for peace and love, no wars, and bright colors.

<3 Sarah

So this is Sarah. Not me, my friend Sarah. She is part of my lunch/balcony group. She's the bi chic with tentacles for hands. She will touch you no matter who you are. Like me, she reads a lot. Unlike me, she reads a lot of anime. She was part of the very first balcony group, even before I joined. She loves Jeff Hardy and wrestling in general. And that's all I have to say about her.

<3 Sarah

so apparently

you can get pregnant on your period. I thought the period was the death of the egg. But according to Bridgit and Cary, you can get pregnant on your period. why would you have sex on your period anyway? That's a bloody mess! And EWWWW....

Anyway, I found this website. check it.
This website explains everything about periods! I was so surprised about some things. It gives the definition of a period and by that definition, I don't think you can get pregnant on your period. I'm gonna keep looking. If anyone has more advice, let me know in a comment!

<3 Sarah

Plan for world domination

I have an army of pregnant llamas that keep reproducing. They attack the world and put all the women and children in these little towns where they work as servants for me. Then I take all the men and turn all except for a select ten or twenty into eunuchs. I reproduce, marrying all these men and chose one of my spawn to rule after me.

first day of school

So I told Marcos I needed space. I don't think he quite got it. He put me on a guilt trip again, like i knew he would, and he forced me into a compromise. Why does he have this control? Because I give it to him. Duh! Whatever, I'll just be a complete bitch to him and hope that works. School itself wasn't too bad. I got to read a lot. I only have one teacher I don't like too much. He's my algebra 2 teacher and he's monotone and boring and i'm not good at math in the first place. Hopefully I pass anyway. I still haven't done Ms. Robinson's homework but I plan to. Why does she insist on knowing so much about us? The first question she asked: Name two major, recent events that had a major impact on your life. I can think of two right now. Mat and Mandi. You know what? I have a stupid crush. Maybe it's not stupid. It's actually the smartest crush I've ever had. Nima. He makes me smile and I loved it when he held me at the Intensive. He was so sweet and I felt safe. He makes me feel like a little girl with a crush. Every time the song Summer Love comes on I can't help but smile and think of him. I don't even like Justin Timberlake too much. According to my mom and Aunt Ruth when he looks at me there are fireworks in his eyes. But if he likes me so much why doesn't he say something? Is he shy? Or does he even like me like that? I don't know. I promised myself I wouldn't chase guys. I need to know who I am before I go after them. I don't even ever need to go after them, they need to come after ME! You know who can't sing? Jesse McCartney. He sucks! He's whining and annoying. So are the Jonas Brothers. Give me the Backstreet Boys, Jason Mraz, Lily Allen, Regina Spektor, Tara Louise. Not whiny pathetic little disney bands. Whatever. I'm exhausted. I have to wake up and take a freezing cold shower in the morning cause my mom forgot to pay the gas bill last week and we can't get it turned back on until tomorrow during the day. Oh well. That that don't kill me can only make me stronger. Something to live by.

Don't Want You Back by BSB

You hit me faster than a shark attack
You saw my picture on the Backstreets back all right!
And you were more than just a pretty face
But how you fooled me, I'm still amazed babe
But I should've known that I would be
Another victim of your sexuality
But now we're done and over with
Don't want you back

Don't want you back
Cause you're no good for me I know
That's all I can say
Don't want you back
Forgive my honesty but you gotta go
I don't want you back

We started going out we're so called friends
But I was blinded so I lost all common sense
But there were things that made me realize
like all the hundred, no, thousand lies

Don't want you back
Cause you're no good for me I know
That's all I can say
Don't want you back
Forgive my honesty but you gotta go
I don't want you back

Baby, don't bother tellin' me your reasons why
just let me sing this story bout you and I

chorus repeat till end

Hats

So I found this awesome website that sells every kind of hat you could want!

I find i like the newsboy hats. check it out

Why

Why does it feel like everytime something good happens
something awful has to happen to screw it up?
Why does Mom not understand how manipulative
and just out of control Rhone is?
Why does she not see that I know he is having
so many problems and is angry?
Why does she not do something instead of
claiming to do something?
Why does she let him go on being out of control,
breaking things, and screaming at people?
Why does she get mad at me for trying to
control him?
Why does she get mad at me when I'm the
only one doing something for him in this
fucking house?
Why do these stupid radio show hosts keep
talking about things that don't matter?
Why am I so angry at everyone and so emotional
and vulnerable?
Why does nobody read this blog?
Why do I care if people read this?
Why does Timothy act like he's the only one hurting?
Why does Paula look down on me?
Why do Jana, Paula, and Jamie exclude me
from conversations because I'm different?
Why can't my dad hold a job and not be depressed?
Why did Will get into drugs?
Why did "Jim" fuck me over and use me?
Why won't Skylar see what a douchebag "Jim" is?
Why won't Marcos fuck off!
Why doesn't Nima understand that I like him?
Why am I too shy to ask him?
Why can't I stop making mistake after mistake?
Why doesn't something wonderful happen for once?
Why am I bitch to people?
Why can't I just trust?
Why can't I show people how much I really
care and love them?
Why can't anybody just hold me?
Why doesn't anyone understand?

Dear Diary

Since Thursday I've been at my Aunt Jana's house. Jana, me, Paula, and Jamie had a Jane Austen weekend where we watched a bunch of movies based on Jane Austen novels. We watched both versions of Pride and Prejudice, the newer Sense and Sensibility, Emma(the one with Gwyneth Paltrow), Persuasion (which i didn't like), and Mansfield Park. Persuasion sucked. It might seem shallow, but there were no pretty people. There was also no character development. I didn't care whether Anne and Captain Wentworth got together. Anyway, Pride and Prejudice is still my favorite! I love Mr. Darcy although Mr. Knightley gave him a run for his money. They both have what I value in a man. I talked to Jana about my past mistake. I think we'll call him Jim, cause I don't he'd want people to know what manipulative, user he is. She was very understanding. Jamie knows too. And even though I did things I wouldn't have done and I fell so hard and was so hurt I don't regret a moment of it. It taught me a little more about myself and what virtues I really want in a man. I want honesty, sensitivity, humility. Of course, romance is a biggie. According to Jana and everyone else I know I'm a hopeless romantic. I dream of happy endings but doesn't every girl? I want someone noble, who wants me no matter how bitchy and moody and unattractive I can be. I thought "Jim" was that guy. I guess that's why I gave him everything. But as it turns out, I was stupid and blind and now I know who I am. I think God does give us tests and trials to grow in soul and spirit. I'm definitely growing. So, where is my Mr. Darcy?

Metro Nephew

I think my nephew will either be metro or gay when he grows up.

He loves painting his nails any sparkly or bright pink color.
He loves taking care of his hair like spiking it up or even cutting it on his own.
He loves telling me what outfit to wear and what jewelry and makeup to wear with it.

He cares about his own outfits and constantly works on being cute.

What do you think?

I'm yours by Jason Mraz

Bitch by Meredith Brooks

I hate the world today
You're so good to me I know
but I can't change.
Tried to tell you but
you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet.
Yesterday I cried.
Must've been a relief
to see the softer side
can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
all rolled into one

Chorus:
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your health, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
and I'm going to extremes
tomorrow I will change
and today won't mean a thing

Chorus

Just when you think you've got me figured out
the season's already changing
I think it's cool you do what you do
and don't try to save me

Chorus

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
when you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numbed, I'm revived
can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

So Bad

I wish I knew what to say
When you look at me that way
Passion in your eyes
and suddenly I start to rhyme
It doesn't make sense
that I can't seem to shake you.
I'm not one to fall
but that's what it's called
When every breath I breathe
I'm praying to be
Inside your love cause I
bet it's so beautiful there.

And I want you so bad
it hurts so bad
And I love you like
you could never understand.

You kiss like an angel
one touch and I melt
You sweep me off my feet
And I can barely see
past the way you make me feel
I'm burning up inside.
It's torture when you're gone
It feels so long
Then your arms are around me
It feels so free
And it's amazing the way I can't
think when you're so near.

And I want you so bad
it hurts so bad
And I love you like
you could never understand.

Baby you're the only one I dream of
The only one I could ever love like this

And I want you so bad
it hurts so bad
Oooh, it hurts so bad
And I love you, I love you like
you could never understand.
You could never understand.