A Laying on of Hands by Ntozake Shange

i waz missing somethin
somethin so important
somethin promised
a layin on of hands
fingers near my forehead
strong
cool
movin
makin me whole
sense pure
all the gods comin into me
layin me open to myself
i waz missing somethin
somethin promised
somethin free
a layin on of hands
i know bout/layin on bodies/layin outta man
bringin him alla my fleshy self & some of my pleasure
bein taken full eager wet like i get sometimes
i waz missing somethin
a layin on of hands
not a man
layin on
not my mama/holdin me tight/sayin
i'm laways gonna be her girl
not a layin on of bosom and womb
a layin on of hands
the holiness of myself released

i sat up one nite walkin a boardin house
screamin/cryin/the ghost of another woman
who waz missin what i waz missin
i wanted to jump up outta my bones
& be done wit myself
leave me alone
& go on in the wind
it waz too much
i fell into a numbness
til the only tree i cd see
took me up in her branches
held me in the breeze
made me dawn dew
that chill at daybreak
the sun wrapped me up swingin rose light everywhere
the sky laid over me like a million men
i waz cold/i waz burnin up/a child
& endlessly weavin garments for the moon
wit my tears
i found god in myself
& i loved her/i loved her fiercely

Tantalize

Tantalize

I daydream deep into the night
Images of roses never given
Valentine's day has forgotten me
Your lips curve into a perfect smile
and you shake my hand

Darling, your fingers are so smooth
Your gaze is so penetrating
Your eyes are so fathomless
You are so tantalizing

My perception of you is twisted
I only see what's obvious
But I'm like a glass of water to you
Pouring onto your hands and
breaking onto your skin

Darling, your fingers are so smooth
your gaze is so penetrating
Your eyes are so fathomless
You are so tantalizing

I'll take what I can from you
but you'll always have every piece
of me

Darling, your fingers are so smooth
your gaze is so penetrating
Your eyes are so fathomless
You are so tantalizing

Dripping Rubies

She glided through life
like clouds filled with jewels
holding tight to what she had, who she was
She deflected every grin,
brushed off every touch,
sidestepped every question
She never needed anything
until he came along with his
honey words and deep looks
He smiled at her desperately,
and his hands seemed to mold
to her waist, fitting her perfectly
against him.
He caused thunderstorms in her heart
and static in her thoughts
as she ran her fingers through his hair.
He whispered that he loved
the taste of her cherry lips
and the way her skin felt against his.
She felt her clouds began to pour
as she relinquished her precious jewels
to this Latin lover as he swayed her
and gave her the moon and stars
only for one night
She begin to fade away,
losing everything that made her herself,
and by dawn, as he
yanked up his pants and kissed her cheek,
telling her she wasn't half bad
she lay on the bed,
dripping rubies and crying diamonds.

A Laying on of Hands

Ntozake Shange wrote a poem called "A Laying on of Hands". That's what I need. Not a man's hands, I've felt that, not my mother's hugs or the feeling of a child in my womb. My hands. I need the Goddess within me opened, myself laid bare before me so I can collect it and love it fiercely. I need the touch of myself, the completeness of being a woman, of being beautiful. I need to take myself apart, examine each piece, then fit it all back together in my own way, make my own puzzle. I need a laying on of hands. A promise. A freedom.

<3 Sarah

New Year's Resolution

I know it's still December, but I need to start this resolution now. Last night, I dyed my hair back to it's natural color so it can grow out long and pretty. My resolution is to not dye it for the next year, and probably longer. When I go to Belize, I refuse to dye it.

<3 Sarah

I tried to kill myself once

Years ago, I tried to kill myself. Veronica was spending the night and we were in my room. I had the ibuprofen in front of me. I started thinking about my cousin who had tried to kill herself a year before by taking 14 ibuprofen. I counted out 15 ibuprofen and laid them all in front of me. I was sitting on the floor, Veronica was on my bed talking. She was in one of her moods where she looses focus and just says stuff, attempting to sound deep but failing. She sounded high. I started thinking about things. I wasn't stressed. I had nothing to be upset about. Veronica glanced over and asked why i had all those pills. I didn't answer, she didn't ask again. She turned away and started talking again. I took the pills two by two with a glass of water. Right afterwards, I realized what I had done and ran into my mom's room. I told her that I'd taken the pills and she made me stick my finger down my throat and vomit them out in the toilet. I was fine. There is no real reason why I did it. I've told myself it was to get Veronica's attention. I've told myself my dad was the problem. But honestly, there was no reason. I just did it without caring. It wasn't until afterward I realized how much I wanted to live. My mom talked to me and I told her I did it so Veronica would see how much it sucks to know someone you care about tried to commit suicide. I didn't tell Veronica anything. My mom told my dad. He yelled at me over the phone. He told me it was stupid and I didn't have a reason. He was right, but I was pissed that he yelled at me. Would he have yelled if I'd gone to the hospital? If I had started vomiting uncontrollably and nearly died, would he have still yelled? I still wonder that. But I'm never going to do that again.

Fast As You Can by Fiona Apple

Question?

If you meet someone online, should you meet them in person?

Thanksgiving

I was sick for Thanksgiving. I was so weak in the morning and so freezing cold and achy that my mom had to make the pie i was going to make. But then we got to Aunt Ruth's house and everyone was there. People don't realize how much my family makes me feel better. I was in the living room for thirty minutes before i was told to go lay down on Aunt Ruth's waterbed. I didn't get any sleep the night before so the waterbed formed to my body and i fell asleep immediately. they woke me up for turkey and food but I couldn't eat. Then I felt better so we took a walk like we always do and sat around the pond for a while. Towns, Mandi and Onlo's dog, got loose from Mandi and jumped into the sewage water pond. He smelled wretched! That ended our calm pond trip and we walked back to the house. Everyone thought we'd be eating pie but it was time for kitchen cleaning instead. All the meal food was placed in bags, the turkey was picked from the bones and the kitchen was clean. During all this I got to talk to Corey and everyone and he brought out his diggeridoos and we played them and Timothy played the guitar and the little boys ran around like crazy people outside, rolling skateboards down the hill. I went outside with Mat and Skylar and little Skylar and Rhone and watched them be ridiculous. It was adorable. I don't want to write anymore. This sucks.

Sexy Twilight Men

Independence

I'm going to talk to my mom about my independence. Lately I've been restless. I've been wanting to move out and be on my own. I want a job and an apartment and no roommates. Just me. I want to be able to make my own decisions without her looking over my shoulder, punishing me when I make bad ones. I feel oppressed. I love my mom, but it's time for me to go. It's not about wanting to hang with friends, it's about growing up and needing to be free. I need to make my own decisions and not have to worry about what she's going to do to me when she finds out. I'm tired of being controlled. I'm mature enough to make it on my own. I'm strong enough, I'm ready. Let's hope she understands.

<3 Sarah

Twilight!

I just saw Twilight. ORGASM!!!! Jacob Black is a beautiful creature. He had the long hair, the look, everything! I even though Billy was attractive. Edward disappointed me a little bit. I don't like the sparkle in the sun effect, reminded me too much of my little pony. But i love the part where Bella tells Charlie that Edward wants to meet him and he closes the shotgun and says "bring him in". but I think my favorite lines are these:

Edward: So the lion fell in love with the lamb
Bella: What a stupid lamb.
Edward: What a sick, masochistic lion.

Amazing! I would be a stupid lamb but i would definitely ditch Edward for Jacob.

<3 Sarah

Deliver Us From Evil

So yesterday Mr. Cunningham (english teacher) made us watch this documentary called Deliver Us From Evil about this Catholic priest who has molested and raped over 100 children. The documentary showed parents of different victims and the victims themselves talking about what had happened and how much they had trusted this priest. And the Catholic Church, the hierarchy, instead of dismissing him and pressing charges, moved him from parish to parish, from one group of kids to another, exposing more children to such horrid abuse. After the movie, I felt nauseous. It hurts and sickens me to know that this was allowed to go on, that parents were so oblivious, that a holy priest could do such a thing! His youngest victim was said to be a 9 month old baby girl!!!!! A child psychiatrist who had worked with several of the victimized children stated "it's very hard for us to think about. most people pretend it didn't happen. But imagine if you will a grown man, about forty years of age, forcing his penis into the vagina of a 9 month old baby." It's true, most people pretend these things don't happen. Most people are indifferent until it happens to them. Don't be indifferent. speak up.

Criminal by Fiona Apple live

new poem

I Am

I am more.
I am not what you see,
I am what you breathe,
I am the touch you feel between
Dreaming and waking
Because you don’t like to sleep alone either
I am an optimist, a pessimist, a sadist,
An activist, a feminist,
I am a smirk, looking down
On the world,
I am a frown, a tear, and scowl,
A broken heart pleading
And killing all in my grasp
I am emotional, sensual, physical,
Sexual, spiritual,
I am a body filled with water
And on fire
I am an ocean,
Swaying with every choice,
Mixing every decision
I am a song,
Melodious, loud, soft and sweet,
I am tyranny and
Your savior, the shoulder you want to cry on
I am unstable, unable, capable,
Palpable, intangible
I am everything you love
And everything you hate
I am perfectly flawed,
So important I don’t matter,
I am pure and innocent,
And stained and spotted
I am happy when I cry
And sad when I laugh
I am honest and deceiving,
Slipping you a lie
I am narcissistic, masochistic, inerratic,
Ecstatic, enigmatic
I am more.

Pretender

Well you’re a poor, poor soul
You write love poems at night
And fill the silence with helpless sighs
I don’t think you’ll ever grow
You smoke away your emotions
And don’t understand what it means to love

You’re a pretender, a cutter, a hopeless man
I like to watch you fall without offering a hand
It’s funny the way you gasp and scream
The way your eyes grow wide as you reach out to me

Well I’m a poor, poor soul
On the verge of insanity
I want you baby but you’re not what I need
You think I’m putting on a show
I am way too much to take
I will bend you till you break

You’re a pretender, a cutter, a hopeless man
I like to watch you fall without offering a hand
It’s funny the way you gasp and scream
The way your eyes grow wide as you reach out to me

Try a little harder baby
I’m not gonna save you
And risk my sanity
Cause I need to find something better than you
A new drug that won’t hurt me like you do

Cause you’re a pretender, a cutter, a hopeless man
I like to watch you fall without offering a hand
It’s funny the way you gasp and scream
The way your eyes grow wide as you reach out to me

Stay on the Ground

Perfection is a flaw in itself
and you are perfect in every way
You bury real emotion
under the appearance of confidence
You are black and white
and every shade of gray
Your conversation is made of
lies and awkward silence

I slip in and out of consciousness around you
I have to swallow my thoughts around you
I have to stand completely still or I'll fall for you again
And this time I'll stay on the ground

Watching you explain
is like watching a clock break
You get so passionate
when talking about what you don't understand
You're so improvised
but I can predict every move you make
You think you're so
spiritual but you hold me with dirty hands

I slip in and out of consciousness around you
I have to swallow my thoughts around you
I have to stand completely still or I'll fall for you again
And this time I'll stay on the ground
I'll stay on the ground
I'll stay on the ground
I'll stay on the ground

There Was No Way To Say No

Delayed reactions are never safe around you
If I wait too long to push you away
I won't be able to
The way you grip me so strong
Keep my demons at bay
grasp me in your arms
I love how you feel against me
Stuck between you and this wall
I don't even want to be free
You kiss like you're praying
Make me feel small
You make it feel like a sin

I had to give in
There was no way to say no
I had to let you take me
There was no way to say no

I'd like to say I was feeling lonely
that I couldn't hear
And I couldn't possibly have seen
You accepted me for what I am
But I shed no tears
And you knew that you were gonna win

I still don't think it's fair
There was no way to say no
How can you walk away now
There was way to say no

No more sleeping in the streets
No more taking up with you
No more spontaneous decisions of the worst kind
Because baby I'm through

And it wasn't right
There was no way to say no
I'm growing up all of a sudden
There was no way to say no

I am finally saying goodbye

Today I realized that all he does is hurt me. He says he loves me, he buys me things, he lets me vent. But he also tells me i constantly make him feel like shit, I never keep my promises, I am killing him. So today I have decided to tell him he needs to leave. It's time for this whacked out friendship to end. It's time for me to stop enabling him to use me. I'm done listening to his lies. I'm done shirking my responsibilities for him. I'm going to say goodbye for good this time. And I am damn proud of myself.

<3 Sarah

Bare by Sarah Hutchcraft

Something inside me broke and
I cried and cried
until my pillow was soggy with my tears
But it wasn't just for you
It wasn't because of what you did
It was because I let you.
I let you come into my house,
my bed, my sheets, my carpet,
smelling of cheap cologne
stripping me bare
of clothes, of emotion
until you could feel me naked with your fingers,
those smooth, greedy fingers
I let your touch warm me
pretending you could love me
like I loved you
But knowing deep down where
it still hurts, where it hurt the most
that all you loved was the passion,
my body, the way i felt in
your hands, sweaty with desire
I let you kiss me with
curved lips in a wicked grin
warning me each moment that
it wasn't the real me you wanted
and you stripped me bare
of clothes, of emotion
until you could see me naked with your eyes,
those cold, unfeeling eyes
I let you stare me down,
soaking every inch of me into
the darkness of your power over me
Glinting, sparkling, intensified
until I fell to my knees so
I wouldn't look at you,
couldn't look at you because
I could see every part of me
reflected in those dark mirrors
I let you find my soul,
and stroke it until it exploded
and then my heart, taking
it slowly and painfully,
ripping it out piece by piece,
taking my blood, drop by drop
stripping me bare
of clothes, of emotion
until you could smell me naked with your nose
that sharp, soft nose
I let you smell the fear,
the deep longing for you
and you took it and got high
with it, snorting it like i was cocaine
or some evil drug but you
only pretended to lose your senses,
smelling my cold skin,
the perfume that I'd put on
just for you, the shampoo still
strong in my wet hair
I let you catch the aroma
of determination, of desire
and it made your own desire
almost unbearable
and you stripped me bare
of clothes, of emotion
until you could taste me naked with your tongue
that slick, hot tongue
I let you taste my dry
chapped lips and bring them to life,
following the lines and curves
of my body, siwrling away
the sweat trickling down my stomach,
tasting the tense muscles underneath
my skin and releasing them
with overwhelming ecstasy you
search with the tip of your tongue,
studying me, understanding me,
with every sweet suckle I accept you,
I accept you, Tongue marking me,
claiming me so you could trash me
and strip me bare
of clothes, of emotion
until I was naked and cold,
reaching in the darkness for you,
for something, and I grasp-nothing.

Dying in my arms

So there's this boy, right. He's my best friend, I've known him for four years. Now he's telling me he's going to die. He says he had a mental breakdown and he needed me and i make him feel like shit but he wants to be with me forever until he dies so he can die in peace even though i upset him and weaken him. What the fuck am I supposed to do? Half of me thinks he's lying and is super pissed off but the other half wants to cry forever and hold onto him. I love him like a brother but i can't fall in love with him. For some reason that never works. I don't know what to do.

<3 Sarah

Sweet Sacrifice by Evanescence

It's true, we're all a little insane
But it's so clear now that I am unchained

Fear is only in our minds
Taking over all the time
Fear is only in our minds,
But it's taking over all the time

You poor, sweet, innocent thing
Dry your eyes and testify
You know you live to break me -- don't deny,
Sweet sacrifice

One day, I'm gonna forget your name
And one sweet day, you're gonna drown in my lost pain

Fear is only in our minds
Taking over all the time
Fear is only in our minds,
But its taking over all the time

You poor, sweet, innocent thing
Dry your eyes and testify
And oh, you love to hate me don't you, honey?
I'm your sacrifice...

[I dream in darkness
I sleep to die
Erase the silence
Erase my life
Our burning ashes
Blacken the day
A world of nothingness
Blow me away]

Do you wonder why you hate?
Are you still too weak to survive your mistakes?

You poor, sweet, innocent thing
Dry your eyes and testify
You know you live to break me -- don't deny,
Sweet sacrifice

Still I Rise by Maya Angelou

Still I Rise

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

This is just weird and disgusting...so read it and tell me what you think

My Invisible Master

My name is Michelle. I am 35 years old today - the 7th of October 2003. I decided to write to you today because I have been freed—freed by my invisible master. I'm taking a huge risk writing this – but, I NEED to off-load!

Now, about my invisible master:

He first appeared to me when I was 6 years old.

One day, my mom took me out shopping. She left me alone to keep an eye on the shopping bags while she went to relieve herself in the supermarket loo. While standing there guarding the groceries, I heard a strong and deep commanding voice in my head.

“What are you doing here all alone, little girl?” It said from behind me.

I turned around and there stood this big, ominous stranger. I was immediately captivated by his perfect black physique and a shinny round bald head. I stood there scared, and could not move or say anything.

“I want to be your friend. Is that alright?” he asked politely.

I simply nodded and managed a weak smile. He stooped down to my level and kissed my lips. At that point, I wanted to cry because my mother had always warned me against men kissing or touching me. She said it was wrong. I thought then that I was doing something wrong. But I couldn't cry because I was frozen stiff by his sheer presence. He said he wanted to be with me and would give me anything I wanted if I accepted him as a friend forever. To this day (I don't know why) I felt compelled to accept. When I did, our friendship began.

When my mother returned she didn't even notice Albach standing beside me. I was astonished, but somehow I knew he was only for my eyes.

Since that day, Albach had been my invisible friend. He would play with me, protect me from everyone, and introduced me to my body. He often told me how beautiful my body was and that I should love it as much as he did. I was confused and I didn't like talking about it but Albach knew how to make me submit. He just had to put his finger against my lips and say “ Sssssh, ” and I would allow him whatever he wanted.

As time went by, I became comfortable about talking about my body with him. I treated it as a game. Albach never touched me though, he only kissed my lips and face.

Once, when I was eight years old, I had a classmate, Tim, over at my house. We had an art project to build a cardboard house. Suddenly Albach appeared. He looked angry. He didn't like me bringing a boy home but he didn't say anything. I knew Tim couldn't see Albach so I didn't talk to Albach either. Albach had always advised me against talking to him whenever other people were present. It would make me look crazy he'd say.

Soon, Albach went away and left us to our art project. Then suddenly I felt a strange desire to play with Tim the “game” me and Albach always played. I started to ask Tim very personal questions about his body. Tim was uncomfortable at first, but like me, he too got used to it. As we talked about the differences in our bodies, I became curious and wanted to see the differences. Tim, of course, was embarrassed. I don't know how I did it, but I managed to persuade him to undress. It seemed Albach had imparted a powerful persuasion talent to me.

Seeing Tim naked was strange at first. We giggled and didn't dare look at one another. Tim quickly got himself dressed and wanted to leave but I manage to persuade him to stay. I don't know how it started but somehow we ended up kissing. I felt very aroused and wanted to do more but didn't know what else to do. I needed Albach for that.

While we were still kissing, Albach appeared and was very angry at us. He grabbed Tim's neck and squeezed and shook him violently. Obviously, Tim didn't feel anything but I screamed hysterically for Albach to stop. My screams frightened Tim and he ran out of the room. My screams had also attracted my mother who thought Tim had abused me, and barred him from ever coming over again. I never defended Tim because Albach told me he would harm him if I did.

When my mother left the room, Albach pinned me down and stared deeply down into my eyes. I knew he wanted to punish me and he did. He told me to strip, I did. He told me to lie down, I did. Then, without another word, he kiss me. He kissed me hard, and it hurt but I never made a sound because I thought I deserved the punishment for making him angry. Then he began to kiss my neck gently. I became confused at what he was doing; I thought I was being punished but he was giving me so much pleasure kissing my neck. I don't know if it was a psychological thing but I started to cry. I felt I should cry when punished. Seeing me cry, Albach stopped and went away.

Years passed and my friends had boyfriends except for me. But, I was the only one who had seen a man in his entirety. How ironic I thought. Yes, at this stage, I had already seen what Albach looked like under his clothes, and played various games to attain and give pleasure.

Sometimes I was scared thinking about the games. I wondered what he would play next. I knew one day we would play “the” ultimate game, the game that would include opening my sacred door. But when?

On the evening of my sixteenth birthday, I thought was the time. I lay on the bed, tired after my birthday party. All I wanted was sleep. Then, a white smoke began to form at the top right corner of my room. It formed into a human figure, and I knew it would be a long night. I had no rights for protest against Albach and his needs. He pressed himself against me and asked me if I was ready. I could say nothing but nod. I intuitively knew what he wanted and willingly gave in to him. I was surprised that he didn't kill my virginity that night. After I nodded, he smiled and left.

On 6th January 1984, Albach was different. He had raging lust in his eyes. He had always done things to me, things that were paled compared to what he had in mind today. He demanded that I give him all of me. I was afraid yet excited. I had always enjoyed the things he did to me, and I knew today I was going to get the ultimate enjoyment.

Albach took me, he took every part of me, and he gave me every part of him. I took him in savagely. I was exploding in pain yet the exciting made me yearn for more. He took me to the moon and back multiple times and drowned me in ecstasy. I was only sixteen yet I had become a full woman. It was the best experience I have ever had in my entire life.

All the pleasure I gave Albach had transformed him into a raging bull; always hungry for lust. Albach had become my worst nightmare.

Before “the ” day, Albach appeared once a week and we'd talk, kiss, and do a little hanky-panky, but since he "had" me, he never left me alone. He was there every second of my life. I wasn't free to talk to anyone without him eavesdropping. I didn't even have privacy in the toilet or in the shower. He would watch me, and sometimes, “ took ” me right there in the shower. He would touch me whenever he felt like it, without regards to where I was or what I was doing. His surprise attacks were exciting at first but I began to detest them later.

I remember one very embarrassing incident: I was in the tube(subway). Albach suddenly appeared behind me and started groping my entire body. It was irritating at first but Albach always knew how to arouse me, and I lost myself. I closed my eyes, and before I knew it, I was helplessly moaning. When I opened my eyes, everyone in the train had their jaws down to the floor. There were people frowning and there were people giggling. I heard a shocking remark, “Gosh, she was playing with herself!” I was so embarrassed and ran out of that car to another, and hopped off the train at the next station.

Embarrassing episodes like that were aplenty. I had had enough. It reached a point when the pleasure was only to have him leave. I was tired, really tired of Albach taking me whenever he felt like it. No matter how much I resisted, I couldn't fight him. He had the power to mould me in any way or form he wanted, anytime. I was stressed up to the point of explosion. I even tried to kill myself, but as you know, I was never alone and always under his spell, so, even that I couldn't do.

Years passed and I managed to live through the hellish times by focusing only on the good things he had done to me and for me. I thought of the physical pleasure he had given me in the initial months. He also gave me what other girls could only dream of—my own car, through being responsible for my father mysteriously becoming the sole beneficiary of the will of a distant uncle. I asked Albach about it but he only shook his head and pressed a gentle finger against my lips. “Don't ask,” he softly whispered.

One time, my mother was seriously ill. She had caught some strange flu and the doctors were unable to bring her fever down. If her fever would persist, she would suffer massive brain damage and die. I cried to Albach to do something. He listened patiently but said nothing. I cried desperately thinking his silent meant he couldn't help my mother. But, five hours later the hospital called and gave us good news—my mother's fever had subsided and her condition was stable. She was no longer in danger of dying. I was so happy. I felt even more indebted to Albach. I knew it was him who had helped my mom.

So, my hell was a little better when I thought about the good side of Albach, but it was hell nevertheless. I lived through it day by day. I couldn't run away, I couldn't confide in anyone, I couldn't even free myself with suicide. I felt so helpless and lonely. The only thing left for me was—Alcohol.

I turned to it when I was 22 and have not stopped ever since. I've managed to live in my prison a little easier with the bottle. My health is so bad now that I don't have long to live. As a matter of fact, Albach knows this, that's why he's decided to free me.

YES! I did it. I managed to free myself from my "invisible master."

I am very pleased to be able to tell you my story. It is true, everything about it. You may say I'm a “psycho” and the whole “Albach” thing was, or is, in my head and only in my head. Well, I don't care. To me it was real…VERY REAL!!!

But I'm not free from the bottle though. I believe I will die soon because my liver is badly damaged. But at least I can die in peace.

Tracy Zimbuwa, 35

Two Dead Boys

Mandi used to tell me the poem of the Two Dead Boys. Unfortunately, she told it differently from the copies they have on the internet. I know the lines but I don't know the lines that fit them together.

Here's the internet version:
"One bright day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys got up to fight
Back to back they faced each other
Drew their swords and shot each other
The deaf policemen heard the noise
They got up and shot the two dead boys
If you don't believe this lie is true
Ask the blind man he saw it too"

But the lines that are missing are these:
"One climbed a tree in the empty lot
The other turned the corner in the middle of the block"

I just can't figure out where they fit and it's critically important!

<3 Sarah

A Poem About Mandi

Naked, flame-red hair billowing
In the wind, the smell of marijuana
Deep in her nostrils
And the sharp burn of the bourbon
As it slides down her throat.
She leans back against the tree,
Watching the fire sway and flicker,
The smoke rise, feeling the beat
Of the hippies’ drums.
She loves the grass under her hand,
Loves the frivolity of the moment,
Loves the child she will go home to in the morning.
This is her last Gathering.
After this, she will become the mother faerie,
Golden Tink the mother,
Leading her elven child through life,
Teaching him to love like she does,
To trust, to understand.
She loves her family,
The way they scold her for what she is doing,
For the person she became.
She loves them for that.
She wants to teach drama,
To make young actors rise in their talents,
The artist in them spring to life like hers did.
That’s why she loves, because it’s art,
Because it’s beautiful, because of him,
Because of her, because the world sweeps
Her into its heart and she can never escape.

How

How do you explain to someone that you're meant to be? How do you explain that the moment you met them you felt this spiritual connection that brightens every time you see them? How do you tell someone that you think you'll be with them forever? How do you tell someone you've only known closely for a couple months that you're in love with them? How do you tell a friend that it hurts when he flirts with someone else? How do you explain the wave of emotion that nearly kills you when you're around him? How do you tell him? How do you keep it inside?

<3 Sarah

Marriage consumationm

Is it Baha'i law to consummate your marriage? For those of you who don't know what that means, it means to seal the marriage in sex. I've heard that it's Baha'i law to consummate the marriage within twenty-four hours of the wedding. I didn't know that and I'm not sure if it's true. Anyone know?

<3 Sarah

My Fashion Outline

For Fall and Winter, I want red hair with blond streaks.

For clothes, I want to buy boots. Specifically, I want brown suede boots, white Go Go boots, black leather boots, and blue boots. I want to start buying and wearing tons of dresses with stylish trenchcoats. I plan to find most of the dresses at thrift stores like Goodwill and places like that. Here are some examples of the boots I want:

Just a little something I wrote

You say you don't want
to be the man you were before
But how can you change
when you cling to the memories like a lifeline?
You tell me i'm the only one
who can save you,
bring you back from this darkness
But I haven't seen anything
but the person you hate
Because,,,

You trap yourself in yesterday
Running your tongue over your mistakes
Your eyes roll back into your head
You have no future cause you're already dead

I've tried using my words
but you're like a closed door
someone locked you up
and threw away the key so I can't see if
there's anything else,
someone hiding in the depths
of the threats and insecurities
you've buried yourself under

You trap yourself in yesterday
Running your tongue over your mistakes
your eyes roll back into your head
You have no future cause you're already dead

You finally let me in
But you're not there
It's like trying to catch wind
Trying to see its colors
But there's nothing there

Because you've trapped yourself in yesterday
Running your tongue over your mistakes
your eyes roll back into your head
You have no future cause you're already dead

The chorus to a song that has no verses yet

Whose hand were you kissing before I arrived?
Whose face were you stroking before mine?
How can you promise me everything
When you’ve already given it away?

Mamma Mia lyrics

I was cheated by you
And I think you know when.
So I made up my mind, it must come to an end
Look at me now, will I ever learn?
I don't know how but I suddenly lose control
There's a fire within my soul
Just one look and I can hear a bell ring
One more look and I forget everything

Mamma mia, here I go again
My my, how can I resist you?
Mamma mia, does it show again
My My, just how much I've missed you?
Yes, I've been broken-hearted
Blue since the day we parted
Why, why did I ever let you go?
Mamma mia, now I really know
My my, I should not have let you go

Look at me now
Will I ever learn
I don't know how
But I suddenly loose control
There's a fire within my soul.
Just one look and I can hear a bell ring
One more look and I forget everything

Mamma mia, here I go again
My my, how can I resist you?
Mamma mia, does it show again
My, my, just how much I've missed you?
Yes, I've been brokenhearted
Blue since the day we parted
Why, why did I ever let you go?
Mamma mia, now I really know
My my, I should not have let you go

My list of friends and random habits i've picked up from them

Marcos:
1. walking in circles
2. threatening to stab people
3. playing with peoples' hair

Jennifer:
1. "you're stupid as hell" look
2. looking at situations from every angle
3. calming friends down

Sarah E.:
1. checking out girls
2. watching Dane cook and the ventriloquist guy with puppets
3. loving the crow

Dez:
1. silent anger
2. taking shoes off at random times
3. dressing comfortably

<3 Sarah

I simply don't know what to do

What should I do about boys? The ones that like me, that are in love with me, and then the ones i like. I don't know. Maybe I'll figure something out.

<3 Sarah

Pictures of Corozal, Belize

Fosho Belize

I've been waiting for a sign to help me decide whether I should go to Belize next year for my year of service or do college first then the year of service. Then the other day my Aunt Ruth forwarded me and email from Aunt Bev in Corozal, Belize. She's the secretary of the LSA in Corozal and her email was sent to several people asking for youth doing their year of service to go to Corozal. That was my sign. I'm for sure going to Belize next year after I turn eighteen. I don't know how, but I know God will provide a way. My mom says some of the richer Baha'is will sponsor me to go because they're nice like that. Hopefully they will! I want to drive down through Mexico to Belize and I'll probably stay with my Aunt Bev and work in that beautiful country. I'm so excited! I need people that will be committed to go with me cause there's no way I can drive down by myself. That's just not safe. But if you want to go on your year of service next year to Belize, please comment this and leave your email address or something and I'll talk to you.

<3 Sarah

Feast tonight

I went to Feast at Julie's house. The quotes just spoke to me! It was exactly what I needed to hear and it filled my soul with such happiness and understanding! Here's a few of the quotes that really stood out to me:

"O thou who art turning thy face towards God! Close thine eyes to all things else, and open them to the realm of the All-Glorious. Ask whatsoever thou wishest of Him alone; seek whatsoever thou seekest from Him alone. With a look He granteth a hundred thousand hopes, with a glance He healeth a hundred thousand incurable ills, with a nod He layeth balm on every wound, with a glimpse He freeth the hearts from the shackles of grief. He doeth as He doeth, and what recourse have we? He carrieth out His Will, He ordaineth what He pleaseth. Then better for thee to bow down thy head in submission, and put thy trust in the All-Merciful Lord."
-Abdu'l-Baha

"O people of God! Do not busy yourselves in your own concerns; let your thoughts be fized upon that which will rehabilitate the fortunes of mankind and sanctify the hearts and souls of men. This can best be achieved through pure and holy deeds, through a virtuous life and a goodly behavior. Valiant acts will ensure the triumph of this Cause, and a saintly character will reinforce its power. Cleave unto righteousness, O people of Baha! This, verily, is the commandment which this wronged One hath given unto you, and the first choice of His unrestrained Will for every one of you."
-Baha'u'llah

(and this last one is my favorite!!!)

"A drop of the billowing ocean of His endless mercy hath adorned all creation with the ornament of existence, and a breath wafted from His peerless Paradise that invested all beings with the robe of His sanctity and glory. A sprinkling from the unfathomed deep of His sovereign and all-pervasive Will hath, out of utter nothingness, called into being a creation which is infinite in its range and deathless in its duration. The wonders of His bounty can never cease, and the stream of His merciful grace can never be arrested. The process of His creation hath had no beginning, and can have no end.
-Baha'u'llah

Christina Aguilera Save ME From Myself

It's not so easy loving me
It gets so complicated
All the things you gotta be
Everything's changing
But you're the truth
I'm amazed by all your patience
Everything I put you through

when I'm about to fall
Somehow you're always waiting with
Your open arms to catch me
You're gonna save me from myself
From myself, yes
You're gonna save me from myself

My love is tainted by your touch
Well some guys have shown me aces
But you've got that royal flush
I know it's crazy everyday
Well tomorrow may be shaky
But you never turn away

Don't ask me why I'm crying
'Cause when I start to crumble
You know how to keep me smiling
You always save me from myself
From myself, myself
You're gonna save me from myself

I know it's hard, it's hard
But you've broken all my walls
You've been my strength, so strong
And don't ask me why I love you

It's obvious your tenderness
Is what I need to make me
A better woman to myself
To myself, myself
You're gonna save me from myself

What is wrong with me?

You know how it feels when you had a relationship with someone and you really loved them and then it died and now that you're attempting friendship everytime they're near you can't help but notice how good they smell and how warm they are? That's how I feel every time he comes over.

<3 Sarah

Nevermind

I'm not moving out. There'd be no point. That would hurt me and my mom.

<3 Sarah

I was thinking about moving out

It'd be easier. I could go live with someone else and get a job and be able to live my life without feeling like a burden. I know Mom says I'm not, but I think I am. Not with attitude or anything, but with money. If I moved out, she'd have one less person to pay for, one less mouth to feed. The only problem is I have nowhere to go where I could be able to get to school or anything else. And I just have nowhere to go. It just seems like if my mom wasn't constantly buying stuff for me as well as Tim and Rhone, life would be easier. She'd have more money.

<3 Sarah

Apparently I'm a Psychopath

For hating football.

But football sucks! I hate watching people, mainly men, get so worked up over it. I know it gets so many guys into college but seriously, if they're not smart enough to get in without being a football star, they don't deserve be there. Football has become more important than who's running the country! That's just sad. Take my dad for example. He's going to be working weekends for the next three to four months so this was his last weekend to spend time with me. And his last weekend to watch football. He picked me up but guess what we've done? Watched football. It's like during football season I take a back seat in his life. It seriously sucks to know that his priorities are so fucked up.

<3 Sarah

Link for Ben Stein's article...

Go here to read the article!!!!

Continuance of last post....

"Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said OK. Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves." -An excerpt from Ben Stein's article

Does this mean we should spank our children? Does this mean that because Dr. Spock didn't spank his children his son committed suicide? No. His argument is illogical. Spanking children impresses upon the children that it is okay to hit when you're punishing. If they did something wrong, you hit them. That DOES warp their personalities. To back up my statement, I actually went online to find what doctors and psychiatrists say about corporal punishment. Here's on excerpt I found:
"Hitting a small child will usually stop misbehavior temporarily. However, other ways of discipline such as verbal correction, reasoning, and time-out work as well and do not have the potential for harm that hitting does. Hitting children may actually increase misbehavior. One large study showed that the more parents spanked children for antisocial behavior, the more the antisocial behavior increased (Straus, Sugarman, & Giles-Sims, 1997). The more children are hit, the more likely they are to hit others including peers and siblings and, as adults, they are more likely to hit their spouses (Straus and Gelles, 1990; Wolfe, 1987). Hitting children teaches them that it is acceptable to hit others who are smaller and weaker. “I'm going to hit you because you hit your sister” is a hypocrisy not lost on children."

The American Psychology Association posted an article called A Resolution to Encourage Parents and Caregivers of Children to Refrain from the Use of Corporal Punishment

The website explains everything.

Has God backed out?

I just got this email from my dad. It was a forward from a Jewish guy named Ben Stein talking about how he doesn't appreciate being pushed around because he believes in God. Understandable, of course. He believes this nation has come to worship celebrities over God and says he has no idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country. The Founding Fathers built this country off of religious beliefs. He says he is tired of being pushed around because of his beliefs. Then he mentions an interview with Billy Graham's daughter Anne Graham where she is asked "How could God let something like this happen?" Anne Graham answers "I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?"

I disagree with this statement. God created us in His Own Image and gave us free will to chose whether we wanted him in our lives or not. Those that don't want him in their lives are the ones pushing those that do around. God has not backed out on us. We always have His blessing and His protection, it's just a matter of whether we accept it or not. Of course He is saddened by it, but that doesn't mean he's going to give up on us. He granted us free will. That doesn't mean if we chose not to have Him in our lives we don't have His blessing and His protection.

Deepest Desire

Kool-aid guy

PMS

I think I have pretty bad PMS.

I cry for no reason at the most random, bad times. My cramps stretch all around my sides and my back, i get migraines, and I feel constantly nauseous.

Oh yes, and cravings.

Anyone else have these issues?

<3 Sarah

I am so tired of high school petty drama!

Maybe it's not petty, but maybe it is. i really don't know. it's obnoxious and ruins relationships.

I'm happy with his head in my lap Jaynee, happy knowing he's there, happy knowing that i'm falling for him a little bit more every day, happy knowing that he still loves me more than anyone and anything, happy being able to have someone that knows me inside out and understands me, happy to know that he's holding me through the night, happy knowing he is perfect for me, happy to know he is my Jacob.

So if this pisses you off, Jaynee, I'm sorry. I still care about you no matter what. But I'm not going to trash probably my once chance at happiness because you're jealous. It's just not going to happen. If this doesn't work out, it's cool. I'll move on...eventually. It'll be hard going through that again, but worth it. You should be able to understand that. I doubt you'll even read this, but if you do, know that I wasn't trying to steal him from you. Of course I felt like this while y'all were dating. I kept it quiet, never saying a word to anyone. It'll surprise everyone, except Jennifer, of course. And probably Sarah.

The thing is, Jaynee, I'm not close with you. Not as close as with Jennifer, Sarah, Marcos, and Dez. I don't particularly like the way you've been treating people. but you know what, that's your problem. Unless you try to break us up, then you will be EXCOMMUNICATED. FRIED. THROWN OUT. DISMEMBERED. BECAUSE I AM NOT GOING TO LET YOU HURT MY FRIENDS.

<3 Sarah

Retry of Last Post

I want to get a Celtic Wheel of Balance tattoo with the triquetra in it.
It's really cool

So I need to know about any relatively inexpensive tattoo artists that i could go to.

Please, comment your suggestions. Oh yeah, they have to be in Austin, of course

<3 Sarah

Where are the cheapest places?

Things Celtic

So yesterday I went to Things Celtic cause they were having a huge sale.  There was a band called the Silver Thread that played bagpipes and drums.  

For some reason, Celtic music with bagpipes and Irish/Scottish accents always makes me emotional.  I was sitting there listening and almost crying.  I had to chew on a straw so that I wouldn't start balling in front of a bunch of people.

Inside the store, there was all this stuff with Celtic and Irish blessings.  They had kilts and CDs of Celtic music.  They had marriage candles and they're cards were so sincere and personal.  It made me wish I was more in touch with my Irish background.  I plan on starting to wear like long skirts and I want to get Celtic tattoos.  Along with the angel wings, I might get the Triquetra which is the Trinity.  Not the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit but the Mother, The Maiden, and the Crone.  That'd be cool.  

I went on google afterward cause I wanted to know what all the different designs and symbols meant.  I found a website that does. symbols. 

I'm still looking at all the stuff and everything.  Maybe I'll get a more intricate tattoo but I want something kinda small to go with the angel wings I'm already planning on getting.  I want to go back to Things Celtic when I have a job and money.  Check out the store.

<3 Sarah

Life is Beautiful

Sometimes I think about life.

I think about how beautiful it is to go through hardships and then come out on top. Even when I come out on bottom i'm wonderfully happy. like this morning.

It's so freakin pretty outside! The perfect sun, no clouds, blueness, and everything is alive and happy! These are the kinda days that make me want to sing and dance! These are the days when I can actually feel God here.

It makes me so happy to know that I'm alive and yeah I have issues but who doesn't?

The sun'll come out tomorrow!

Wrestling

I was just watching WWE and realized how exciting it is!

I was watching Sarah's favorite wrestler, Jeff Hardy. It's funny how obsessed with him she is. I think he's pretty disgusting looking but he does have a certain dignity about him. Well, as much dignity as you can have while fake wrestling.

I think my favorite is the Undertaker because even though he's butt ugly, he's pretty fucking awesome. He just commands respect and fear.

Funny, cause I always thought wrestling was disgusting and a waste of time.

Whatever.

<3 Sarah

Nightmares

I've been having nightmares lately. Really scary, sometimes painful nightmares.

Sometimes I wake up crying.

Sometimes I wake up in pain or really really scared.

So I've started putting the radio on the classical music station and just listening to the sweet magic of pure music. It's absolutely beautiful. But it doesn't work.

Since that didn't work by itself, I've started taking an herbal antidepressant as well as listening to the music.

That helped a couple nights but the the nightmares came back. No matter what i've tried they keep coming back.

Usually I have them where I'm in River's head from Serenity on the planet Miranda. I can hear the silence of the dead. I can also hear the anger of the of the reavers
It's super scary and I hate it.

Any suggestions for how to get rid of this?

here's the tattoo, had issues the first time

The tattoo i want

i probably get it next year while im in Belize so no one can tell me no. but this is what i want. it's really cool. And apparently, women having an angel wing tattoo on their back is a sign that their soul is searching for purity. It's a divinity type of thing. so what do you think?

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Perfect by Alanis Morissette

Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face
Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder
How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet
Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud
I'll live for you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem ...... why are you crying
Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect

Seeing Will

So I saw my uncle today and Friday for the first time in the ten weeks since he's been in jail. or, as they like to call it "juvenile detention center". yeah, it's jail. he's lost weight, but other than that he hasn't changed much. he's a wannabe gangster like always, but he seemed more careful with his words. less cussing. he really acts like a normal teenage boy. with all the perverted jokes and mind in the gutter, loves gangsta rap, cars, very prideful. it's pretty ridiculous. but i still love him, of course. he seems more family oriented. more connected and wanting to be around everyone. he really missed us! he's only allowed to be out until his trial this coming friday, then he's going somewhere else. he's either going to the helpful place or this really non helpful place. hopefully the helpful place, right? no duh! anyway, ttyl, my blog....readers....

<3 Sarah

I just found this on my dad's laptop...wrote it a year ago.

I tried to smile, but there was only pain.

I tried to love, but there was only heartache.

I tried to forgive, but there was only betrayal.

I tried to forget, but there was only memory.

I tried to understand, but there was only confusion.

I tried to need, but there was only desire.

I tried to focus, but there was only distraction.

I tried to move, but there was only stillness.

I tried to speak, but there was only silence.

I tried to stare, but there was only blindness.

And you tell me to keep trying

And I force myself to continue,

And by the end of the day I’m in tears,

Drained, physically and emotionally

And you watch me fade

Never offering a hand to pull

Me out of this sudden darkness.

Ireland's Call by Celtic Thunder

They're so FUCKING AWESOME!!!

<3 Sarah

Recuerdame by Paul Byron

He's classically and beautifully trained

<3 Sarah

Desperado by Ryan Kelly

sweet and sad

<3 Sarah

The Island by Keith Harkin

Ooh he's beautiful!

<3 Sarah

Puppy Love by Damien McGinty

this kid is freakin fourteen!

<3 Sarah

My Boy by Celtic Thunder's George Donaldson

Isn't he amazing? Posting more of the other singers in a minute!

<3 Sarah

So um...yeah...

I am very peaceful and content even though I haven't eaten since Tuesday night. But that's okay, Jamie's taking me to her neighborhood barbecue. It seems like Dez and Sarah have grown apart. For a while Sarah and Jaynee were close but Sarah seems to not really want Jaynee around much anymore. Sarah and I are more alike than I thought. She got contacts and I realized just how beautiful her eyes are! It makes me very happy to think about. Oh and Jennifer got yahoo IM! So we can talk all the time!

<3 Sarah

All About Me

ALLLL ABOUT ME

BASICS
NAME: Sarah
DATE OF BIRTH: 7/22/91
BIRTHPLACE: ATX
CURRENT LOCATION: ATX
AGE: 17
HAIR COLOR: dark brown
EYE COLOR: deep green, hazel
HEIGHT: 5 2
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: single
CHILDREN: none
OCCUPATION: none yet
TATTOOS: none yet
PIERCINGS: none yet
FAVORITES
BAND: Backstreet Boys
SONG: I'm Yours by Jason Mraz
MOVIE: 10 Things I Hate About You
TV SHOW: Bones and House
DISNEY MOVIE: Lion King
CARTOON:
COLOR: red is the color of passion
FOOD: lettuce wraps
DRINK (ALCOHOLIC): no
SODA: dr. pepper
STORE: thrift stores!
CLOTHING BRAND: Candie's but really whatever the thrift store holds
SHOE BRAND: whatever's cute
SEASON: spring and summer
VACATION: Christmas
DAY OF WEEK: Friday
HOLIDAY: Halloween
BOARD GAME: i don't know
DO YOU
SMOKE CIGS: no
DRINK: no
CURSE: yes
PLAY AN INSTRUMENT: sort of
HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT: writing...
CAN YOU
COOK: some
SEW: not really
DRIVE: not yet
SING: yes
DANCE: some
SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE: some
TOUCH TONGUE TO NOSE: no
WHISTLE: no
HAVE YOU EVER
BEEN DRUNK: no
BEEN STONED/HIGH: no
BEEN IN LOVE: yes
EATEN SUHSI: ew yes
SKIPPED SCHOOL: yes
STOLEN SOMETHING: yes
BEEN ARRESTED: no

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Shirtless Soccer Players

I just watched She's the Man for the first time and if you don't know, the whole movie is about Amanda Bynes pretending to be her twin brother so she can play on a boy's soccer team and beat her stupid ex boyfriend. She ends up falling for the captain of the team. I realized I have a thing for grungy, shirtless soccer players. I mean, they're very hot covered in dirt and grass stains and with those lean muscles! And it's a good movie! Apparently it's based off of a Shakespeare play but I'm not sure which one. It might be the Tempest. I love Shakespeare, he's one of my heroes. I also enjoyed spending the time with Sarah Escobar. We don't get to hang out much, so that was cool. She's more girly than you think! We plan on having a soap opera weekend! I know, crazy, right? Anyway, I feel really giddy but I really wish there was someone here to hold me. A man, yes. That's one of the perks of being married-you never have to sleep alone. So after hanging out with Sarah I got home and realized that I haven't been home after school for two straight days and Rhone was awake and heard me come in and ran and hugged me! I really miss him sometimes! It makes me feel bad that I don't get to spend much time with him now that I'm in school. But you know what? I'm going to change that.

<3 Sarah

Addicted to emails

I am addicted to your emails.
I can't see you but I feel the
way you type the keyboard,
each letter forming words forming sentences
that soar through cyberspace
to land in front of my eyes.
Every idea parading into my thoughts
you're the reason I can't multi task
Why I never get anything done after
ten thirty.
I've tried to remedy this addiction,
I've told myself not to sign on,
not to fall victim to these simple
lines you write,
but every day at the same time
I find my body going against the will
of my brain and typing in my password,
watching the page come to life,
and searching for the little number 1
next to the inbox that tells me
you're here, you want to talk to me,
and I'm lost.

Windows

One step away from
kissing you I pause
My eyes sink deeper
into your black ones...searching
I find desire,
the barest emotion
parading along my lips
then to my chest,
lingering for a moment
on my hips.
Then I go under,
splaying my fingers,
exploring the sweentess
of your pain and
touching the outer
layers of your core
I feel you fear
widening your pupils
and I lick you lips
extracting what I
forgot to learn
and slowly, carefully
I give in to you

I wanna be Bella for Halloween

I wanna be Bella the night of her wedding to Edward.

So I need a dress from the 1800s. these are pictures of
some that I found online. I need something like these
but from a thrift store.

Angel

He calls me angel and tells me I can fly,
But I don't believe him,
I've spent too much time spiraling downward,
grasping the edges of my
broken life, trying to lift
up off this floor but my wings
have ripped and torn
and become useless,
leaving me with legs
holding me down with gravity,
suffocating me with
every breath
I inhale clouds of smoke,
Burning my throat,
But he calls me an angel and tells me i can fly
The desire is within me
driving me forward but
with every step I take
I fall backward,
I stand up again,
bruised, bleeding, begging
for this to end,
for my wings to finally work
Maybe I'm young,
maybe I'm still a baby
but even birds get pushed
out of nests and they learn
Why am I trapped here,
twigs snapping all around me
Eardrums bursting
tastebuds shriveling on
my tongue and there's nothing
left but my tears and my groping hand
and it catches
He calls me I'm an angel and tells me I can fly

I'll be by Edwin McCain

The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath
Emeralds from mountains thrust toward the sky
Never revealing their depth
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated
I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above

Chorus:
I'll be your crying shoulder
I'll be your love suicide
and I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life

Rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed
You're my survival, you're my living proof
My love is alive not dead
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache, that hang from above

Repeat Chorus

I've been dropped out, burned up, fought my way back from the dead
Tuned in, turned on, Remembered the things that you said

Repeat Chorus

My Hair Color

So I want to dye my hair that color red with that color of blonde streaks in it.

What do you think?

It'll make my beautiful green eyes pop!

<3 Sarah

Happier Times

I was just thinking about the times before high school when I was hanging out with Vee all the time. We'd spend hours together, hanging out with a large group of friends, singing obnoxiously loud in Patti's van, then going back to Vee's after dropping everyone else off and talking all night about life and boys. That was back when I had a crush on Jordan and Sandor. Before I dated anyone. Just being able to have fun without worrying about anything.

Another memory is when I was younger and we lived in the trailer. When Mandi, Rhone, Mom, Timothy, and I all lived together there. We would clean the house while listening to Carlos Santana's song Maria Maria and dancing. Rhone was really little then. Those were the good times. Before we made messes of our lives.

What my ex thinks of me

So I've been talking to my ex. He's still in love with me but I'm not in love with him. He works at Home Depot and was talking to one of his friends from work about me so now this guy wants to talk to me. According to Marcos, this is what he told the guy:

"[I told him] youre a crazy, unstable, religious, jealous, caffine addicted, insomniac princess wanna be, who is more judgememtal of herself than anyone else and hates to be happy so he wanted to say hi."

Of course, he didn't really tell him that. It's kinda sad cause that's deadon.

Sunlight

You're so perfect.
Looking at you is like looking at the sun,
you blind me.
Your eyes burn through me,
you stare into my soul
I have nowhere to hide,
my heart is bare and open

You reach for my hands
I grab you close
You feel like summer
and fresh rain
I never want to let you go
It isn't fair
that you aren't mine,
I can't bear for you
to slip away again

You are beautiful
you look like an angel
Can you save me?

Zandar, Marcos, Dez & Sarah

Back from the Past

So my brother Jon got married like five years ago to Tif, who was pregnant with is son. They lived together until one morning the baby was screaming and crying so they took him to the hospital. At the hospital he was x-rayed and the doctors told them he had a broken arm and leg. Of course, since it was a baby, CPS had to get involved. They immediately blamed Jon and Tif turned on him and said he did it as well. Everyone who knows Jon knows he wouldn't hurt a fly. It was an obvious, malicious lie but it went to trial. Jon was put in jail until the trial and then released cause they had no bounds for arresting him in the first place. Once he was out they postponed the trial. Before the trial, he ran, taking off to another country. Their son, Zandar, was left with Tif. Now, just a few minutes ago, I got a friend request on myspace from Tif. we've talked a few times on myspace but i deleted her after i saw her bulletins and stuff all about getting drunk all the time and fucking and being high most of the time. Where is CPS now??? and why is Tif contacting me again???

I.Like.The.Way.You.Smell

I.like.the.way.you.smell.
It's like cheap cologne sprayed
at the last minute to cover up the sweat
and manliness.
It's like body oil, the clothes
you just pulled off the bed and
you don't know if they're
clean or dirty.
It's like your house, spicy
and thick but sharp and cold
at the exact same time.
It's like shirtless, fingers on me,
taking my scent and mixing
it up for me to inhale.
It's like manipulative, hot breath
with whatever you ate last
and my saliva.
It's like excited energy, constant
movement and desire spinning
my head, my mind.
It's like nerves and muscles,
tingling and tensing, relaxing,
opening and closing.
It's like intensity, burning,
melting, and dying slowly
in your exhausted arms.
I.like.the.way.you.smell.

For Marcos

It's over.
Again.
One, two, three times.
Three pairs of months with you.
Separated by the realization
of why I broke up with you the first time.
I keep forgetting.
And when I remember,
I break your heart all over again.
But this is the last time.
This is really the end.
It's really over.
No more presents-cards,
teddy bears, sodas, rings, necklaces,
posters, pictures, hats, shirts, socks.
No more.
I don't want it.
I don't want to lean on you.
Your advice, give it to someone else.
Because I'm not going to forget.
I'm not going to break your heart again.
I'm tired of that look.
It burns when you look at me like that.
I see the pain.
I know I caused it.
But this time it's really over.

Jackpot!

I was looking on the web for interesting things to waste time until my mom gets home. I found a website all about HIPPIES!!!

I was so excited!!!!! I didn't know hippies had politics other than no war, and peace and love. I think I'm a hippy to some extent.

I'm all for peace and love, no wars, and bright colors.

<3 Sarah

So this is Sarah. Not me, my friend Sarah. She is part of my lunch/balcony group. She's the bi chic with tentacles for hands. She will touch you no matter who you are. Like me, she reads a lot. Unlike me, she reads a lot of anime. She was part of the very first balcony group, even before I joined. She loves Jeff Hardy and wrestling in general. And that's all I have to say about her.

<3 Sarah

so apparently

you can get pregnant on your period. I thought the period was the death of the egg. But according to Bridgit and Cary, you can get pregnant on your period. why would you have sex on your period anyway? That's a bloody mess! And EWWWW....

Anyway, I found this website. check it.
This website explains everything about periods! I was so surprised about some things. It gives the definition of a period and by that definition, I don't think you can get pregnant on your period. I'm gonna keep looking. If anyone has more advice, let me know in a comment!

<3 Sarah

Plan for world domination

I have an army of pregnant llamas that keep reproducing. They attack the world and put all the women and children in these little towns where they work as servants for me. Then I take all the men and turn all except for a select ten or twenty into eunuchs. I reproduce, marrying all these men and chose one of my spawn to rule after me.

first day of school

So I told Marcos I needed space. I don't think he quite got it. He put me on a guilt trip again, like i knew he would, and he forced me into a compromise. Why does he have this control? Because I give it to him. Duh! Whatever, I'll just be a complete bitch to him and hope that works. School itself wasn't too bad. I got to read a lot. I only have one teacher I don't like too much. He's my algebra 2 teacher and he's monotone and boring and i'm not good at math in the first place. Hopefully I pass anyway. I still haven't done Ms. Robinson's homework but I plan to. Why does she insist on knowing so much about us? The first question she asked: Name two major, recent events that had a major impact on your life. I can think of two right now. Mat and Mandi. You know what? I have a stupid crush. Maybe it's not stupid. It's actually the smartest crush I've ever had. Nima. He makes me smile and I loved it when he held me at the Intensive. He was so sweet and I felt safe. He makes me feel like a little girl with a crush. Every time the song Summer Love comes on I can't help but smile and think of him. I don't even like Justin Timberlake too much. According to my mom and Aunt Ruth when he looks at me there are fireworks in his eyes. But if he likes me so much why doesn't he say something? Is he shy? Or does he even like me like that? I don't know. I promised myself I wouldn't chase guys. I need to know who I am before I go after them. I don't even ever need to go after them, they need to come after ME! You know who can't sing? Jesse McCartney. He sucks! He's whining and annoying. So are the Jonas Brothers. Give me the Backstreet Boys, Jason Mraz, Lily Allen, Regina Spektor, Tara Louise. Not whiny pathetic little disney bands. Whatever. I'm exhausted. I have to wake up and take a freezing cold shower in the morning cause my mom forgot to pay the gas bill last week and we can't get it turned back on until tomorrow during the day. Oh well. That that don't kill me can only make me stronger. Something to live by.