Question?

If you meet someone online, should you meet them in person?

Thanksgiving

I was sick for Thanksgiving. I was so weak in the morning and so freezing cold and achy that my mom had to make the pie i was going to make. But then we got to Aunt Ruth's house and everyone was there. People don't realize how much my family makes me feel better. I was in the living room for thirty minutes before i was told to go lay down on Aunt Ruth's waterbed. I didn't get any sleep the night before so the waterbed formed to my body and i fell asleep immediately. they woke me up for turkey and food but I couldn't eat. Then I felt better so we took a walk like we always do and sat around the pond for a while. Towns, Mandi and Onlo's dog, got loose from Mandi and jumped into the sewage water pond. He smelled wretched! That ended our calm pond trip and we walked back to the house. Everyone thought we'd be eating pie but it was time for kitchen cleaning instead. All the meal food was placed in bags, the turkey was picked from the bones and the kitchen was clean. During all this I got to talk to Corey and everyone and he brought out his diggeridoos and we played them and Timothy played the guitar and the little boys ran around like crazy people outside, rolling skateboards down the hill. I went outside with Mat and Skylar and little Skylar and Rhone and watched them be ridiculous. It was adorable. I don't want to write anymore. This sucks.

Sexy Twilight Men

Independence

I'm going to talk to my mom about my independence. Lately I've been restless. I've been wanting to move out and be on my own. I want a job and an apartment and no roommates. Just me. I want to be able to make my own decisions without her looking over my shoulder, punishing me when I make bad ones. I feel oppressed. I love my mom, but it's time for me to go. It's not about wanting to hang with friends, it's about growing up and needing to be free. I need to make my own decisions and not have to worry about what she's going to do to me when she finds out. I'm tired of being controlled. I'm mature enough to make it on my own. I'm strong enough, I'm ready. Let's hope she understands.

<3 Sarah

Twilight!

I just saw Twilight. ORGASM!!!! Jacob Black is a beautiful creature. He had the long hair, the look, everything! I even though Billy was attractive. Edward disappointed me a little bit. I don't like the sparkle in the sun effect, reminded me too much of my little pony. But i love the part where Bella tells Charlie that Edward wants to meet him and he closes the shotgun and says "bring him in". but I think my favorite lines are these:

Edward: So the lion fell in love with the lamb
Bella: What a stupid lamb.
Edward: What a sick, masochistic lion.

Amazing! I would be a stupid lamb but i would definitely ditch Edward for Jacob.

<3 Sarah

Deliver Us From Evil

So yesterday Mr. Cunningham (english teacher) made us watch this documentary called Deliver Us From Evil about this Catholic priest who has molested and raped over 100 children. The documentary showed parents of different victims and the victims themselves talking about what had happened and how much they had trusted this priest. And the Catholic Church, the hierarchy, instead of dismissing him and pressing charges, moved him from parish to parish, from one group of kids to another, exposing more children to such horrid abuse. After the movie, I felt nauseous. It hurts and sickens me to know that this was allowed to go on, that parents were so oblivious, that a holy priest could do such a thing! His youngest victim was said to be a 9 month old baby girl!!!!! A child psychiatrist who had worked with several of the victimized children stated "it's very hard for us to think about. most people pretend it didn't happen. But imagine if you will a grown man, about forty years of age, forcing his penis into the vagina of a 9 month old baby." It's true, most people pretend these things don't happen. Most people are indifferent until it happens to them. Don't be indifferent. speak up.

Criminal by Fiona Apple live

new poem

I Am

I am more.
I am not what you see,
I am what you breathe,
I am the touch you feel between
Dreaming and waking
Because you don’t like to sleep alone either
I am an optimist, a pessimist, a sadist,
An activist, a feminist,
I am a smirk, looking down
On the world,
I am a frown, a tear, and scowl,
A broken heart pleading
And killing all in my grasp
I am emotional, sensual, physical,
Sexual, spiritual,
I am a body filled with water
And on fire
I am an ocean,
Swaying with every choice,
Mixing every decision
I am a song,
Melodious, loud, soft and sweet,
I am tyranny and
Your savior, the shoulder you want to cry on
I am unstable, unable, capable,
Palpable, intangible
I am everything you love
And everything you hate
I am perfectly flawed,
So important I don’t matter,
I am pure and innocent,
And stained and spotted
I am happy when I cry
And sad when I laugh
I am honest and deceiving,
Slipping you a lie
I am narcissistic, masochistic, inerratic,
Ecstatic, enigmatic
I am more.

Pretender

Well you’re a poor, poor soul
You write love poems at night
And fill the silence with helpless sighs
I don’t think you’ll ever grow
You smoke away your emotions
And don’t understand what it means to love

You’re a pretender, a cutter, a hopeless man
I like to watch you fall without offering a hand
It’s funny the way you gasp and scream
The way your eyes grow wide as you reach out to me

Well I’m a poor, poor soul
On the verge of insanity
I want you baby but you’re not what I need
You think I’m putting on a show
I am way too much to take
I will bend you till you break

You’re a pretender, a cutter, a hopeless man
I like to watch you fall without offering a hand
It’s funny the way you gasp and scream
The way your eyes grow wide as you reach out to me

Try a little harder baby
I’m not gonna save you
And risk my sanity
Cause I need to find something better than you
A new drug that won’t hurt me like you do

Cause you’re a pretender, a cutter, a hopeless man
I like to watch you fall without offering a hand
It’s funny the way you gasp and scream
The way your eyes grow wide as you reach out to me

Stay on the Ground

Perfection is a flaw in itself
and you are perfect in every way
You bury real emotion
under the appearance of confidence
You are black and white
and every shade of gray
Your conversation is made of
lies and awkward silence

I slip in and out of consciousness around you
I have to swallow my thoughts around you
I have to stand completely still or I'll fall for you again
And this time I'll stay on the ground

Watching you explain
is like watching a clock break
You get so passionate
when talking about what you don't understand
You're so improvised
but I can predict every move you make
You think you're so
spiritual but you hold me with dirty hands

I slip in and out of consciousness around you
I have to swallow my thoughts around you
I have to stand completely still or I'll fall for you again
And this time I'll stay on the ground
I'll stay on the ground
I'll stay on the ground
I'll stay on the ground

There Was No Way To Say No

Delayed reactions are never safe around you
If I wait too long to push you away
I won't be able to
The way you grip me so strong
Keep my demons at bay
grasp me in your arms
I love how you feel against me
Stuck between you and this wall
I don't even want to be free
You kiss like you're praying
Make me feel small
You make it feel like a sin

I had to give in
There was no way to say no
I had to let you take me
There was no way to say no

I'd like to say I was feeling lonely
that I couldn't hear
And I couldn't possibly have seen
You accepted me for what I am
But I shed no tears
And you knew that you were gonna win

I still don't think it's fair
There was no way to say no
How can you walk away now
There was way to say no

No more sleeping in the streets
No more taking up with you
No more spontaneous decisions of the worst kind
Because baby I'm through

And it wasn't right
There was no way to say no
I'm growing up all of a sudden
There was no way to say no

I am finally saying goodbye

Today I realized that all he does is hurt me. He says he loves me, he buys me things, he lets me vent. But he also tells me i constantly make him feel like shit, I never keep my promises, I am killing him. So today I have decided to tell him he needs to leave. It's time for this whacked out friendship to end. It's time for me to stop enabling him to use me. I'm done listening to his lies. I'm done shirking my responsibilities for him. I'm going to say goodbye for good this time. And I am damn proud of myself.

<3 Sarah

Bare by Sarah Hutchcraft

Something inside me broke and
I cried and cried
until my pillow was soggy with my tears
But it wasn't just for you
It wasn't because of what you did
It was because I let you.
I let you come into my house,
my bed, my sheets, my carpet,
smelling of cheap cologne
stripping me bare
of clothes, of emotion
until you could feel me naked with your fingers,
those smooth, greedy fingers
I let your touch warm me
pretending you could love me
like I loved you
But knowing deep down where
it still hurts, where it hurt the most
that all you loved was the passion,
my body, the way i felt in
your hands, sweaty with desire
I let you kiss me with
curved lips in a wicked grin
warning me each moment that
it wasn't the real me you wanted
and you stripped me bare
of clothes, of emotion
until you could see me naked with your eyes,
those cold, unfeeling eyes
I let you stare me down,
soaking every inch of me into
the darkness of your power over me
Glinting, sparkling, intensified
until I fell to my knees so
I wouldn't look at you,
couldn't look at you because
I could see every part of me
reflected in those dark mirrors
I let you find my soul,
and stroke it until it exploded
and then my heart, taking
it slowly and painfully,
ripping it out piece by piece,
taking my blood, drop by drop
stripping me bare
of clothes, of emotion
until you could smell me naked with your nose
that sharp, soft nose
I let you smell the fear,
the deep longing for you
and you took it and got high
with it, snorting it like i was cocaine
or some evil drug but you
only pretended to lose your senses,
smelling my cold skin,
the perfume that I'd put on
just for you, the shampoo still
strong in my wet hair
I let you catch the aroma
of determination, of desire
and it made your own desire
almost unbearable
and you stripped me bare
of clothes, of emotion
until you could taste me naked with your tongue
that slick, hot tongue
I let you taste my dry
chapped lips and bring them to life,
following the lines and curves
of my body, siwrling away
the sweat trickling down my stomach,
tasting the tense muscles underneath
my skin and releasing them
with overwhelming ecstasy you
search with the tip of your tongue,
studying me, understanding me,
with every sweet suckle I accept you,
I accept you, Tongue marking me,
claiming me so you could trash me
and strip me bare
of clothes, of emotion
until I was naked and cold,
reaching in the darkness for you,
for something, and I grasp-nothing.

Dying in my arms

So there's this boy, right. He's my best friend, I've known him for four years. Now he's telling me he's going to die. He says he had a mental breakdown and he needed me and i make him feel like shit but he wants to be with me forever until he dies so he can die in peace even though i upset him and weaken him. What the fuck am I supposed to do? Half of me thinks he's lying and is super pissed off but the other half wants to cry forever and hold onto him. I love him like a brother but i can't fall in love with him. For some reason that never works. I don't know what to do.

<3 Sarah

Sweet Sacrifice by Evanescence

It's true, we're all a little insane
But it's so clear now that I am unchained

Fear is only in our minds
Taking over all the time
Fear is only in our minds,
But it's taking over all the time

You poor, sweet, innocent thing
Dry your eyes and testify
You know you live to break me -- don't deny,
Sweet sacrifice

One day, I'm gonna forget your name
And one sweet day, you're gonna drown in my lost pain

Fear is only in our minds
Taking over all the time
Fear is only in our minds,
But its taking over all the time

You poor, sweet, innocent thing
Dry your eyes and testify
And oh, you love to hate me don't you, honey?
I'm your sacrifice...

[I dream in darkness
I sleep to die
Erase the silence
Erase my life
Our burning ashes
Blacken the day
A world of nothingness
Blow me away]

Do you wonder why you hate?
Are you still too weak to survive your mistakes?

You poor, sweet, innocent thing
Dry your eyes and testify
You know you live to break me -- don't deny,
Sweet sacrifice

Still I Rise by Maya Angelou

Still I Rise

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.