This is just weird and disgusting...so read it and tell me what you think

My Invisible Master

My name is Michelle. I am 35 years old today - the 7th of October 2003. I decided to write to you today because I have been freed—freed by my invisible master. I'm taking a huge risk writing this – but, I NEED to off-load!

Now, about my invisible master:

He first appeared to me when I was 6 years old.

One day, my mom took me out shopping. She left me alone to keep an eye on the shopping bags while she went to relieve herself in the supermarket loo. While standing there guarding the groceries, I heard a strong and deep commanding voice in my head.

“What are you doing here all alone, little girl?” It said from behind me.

I turned around and there stood this big, ominous stranger. I was immediately captivated by his perfect black physique and a shinny round bald head. I stood there scared, and could not move or say anything.

“I want to be your friend. Is that alright?” he asked politely.

I simply nodded and managed a weak smile. He stooped down to my level and kissed my lips. At that point, I wanted to cry because my mother had always warned me against men kissing or touching me. She said it was wrong. I thought then that I was doing something wrong. But I couldn't cry because I was frozen stiff by his sheer presence. He said he wanted to be with me and would give me anything I wanted if I accepted him as a friend forever. To this day (I don't know why) I felt compelled to accept. When I did, our friendship began.

When my mother returned she didn't even notice Albach standing beside me. I was astonished, but somehow I knew he was only for my eyes.

Since that day, Albach had been my invisible friend. He would play with me, protect me from everyone, and introduced me to my body. He often told me how beautiful my body was and that I should love it as much as he did. I was confused and I didn't like talking about it but Albach knew how to make me submit. He just had to put his finger against my lips and say “ Sssssh, ” and I would allow him whatever he wanted.

As time went by, I became comfortable about talking about my body with him. I treated it as a game. Albach never touched me though, he only kissed my lips and face.

Once, when I was eight years old, I had a classmate, Tim, over at my house. We had an art project to build a cardboard house. Suddenly Albach appeared. He looked angry. He didn't like me bringing a boy home but he didn't say anything. I knew Tim couldn't see Albach so I didn't talk to Albach either. Albach had always advised me against talking to him whenever other people were present. It would make me look crazy he'd say.

Soon, Albach went away and left us to our art project. Then suddenly I felt a strange desire to play with Tim the “game” me and Albach always played. I started to ask Tim very personal questions about his body. Tim was uncomfortable at first, but like me, he too got used to it. As we talked about the differences in our bodies, I became curious and wanted to see the differences. Tim, of course, was embarrassed. I don't know how I did it, but I managed to persuade him to undress. It seemed Albach had imparted a powerful persuasion talent to me.

Seeing Tim naked was strange at first. We giggled and didn't dare look at one another. Tim quickly got himself dressed and wanted to leave but I manage to persuade him to stay. I don't know how it started but somehow we ended up kissing. I felt very aroused and wanted to do more but didn't know what else to do. I needed Albach for that.

While we were still kissing, Albach appeared and was very angry at us. He grabbed Tim's neck and squeezed and shook him violently. Obviously, Tim didn't feel anything but I screamed hysterically for Albach to stop. My screams frightened Tim and he ran out of the room. My screams had also attracted my mother who thought Tim had abused me, and barred him from ever coming over again. I never defended Tim because Albach told me he would harm him if I did.

When my mother left the room, Albach pinned me down and stared deeply down into my eyes. I knew he wanted to punish me and he did. He told me to strip, I did. He told me to lie down, I did. Then, without another word, he kiss me. He kissed me hard, and it hurt but I never made a sound because I thought I deserved the punishment for making him angry. Then he began to kiss my neck gently. I became confused at what he was doing; I thought I was being punished but he was giving me so much pleasure kissing my neck. I don't know if it was a psychological thing but I started to cry. I felt I should cry when punished. Seeing me cry, Albach stopped and went away.

Years passed and my friends had boyfriends except for me. But, I was the only one who had seen a man in his entirety. How ironic I thought. Yes, at this stage, I had already seen what Albach looked like under his clothes, and played various games to attain and give pleasure.

Sometimes I was scared thinking about the games. I wondered what he would play next. I knew one day we would play “the” ultimate game, the game that would include opening my sacred door. But when?

On the evening of my sixteenth birthday, I thought was the time. I lay on the bed, tired after my birthday party. All I wanted was sleep. Then, a white smoke began to form at the top right corner of my room. It formed into a human figure, and I knew it would be a long night. I had no rights for protest against Albach and his needs. He pressed himself against me and asked me if I was ready. I could say nothing but nod. I intuitively knew what he wanted and willingly gave in to him. I was surprised that he didn't kill my virginity that night. After I nodded, he smiled and left.

On 6th January 1984, Albach was different. He had raging lust in his eyes. He had always done things to me, things that were paled compared to what he had in mind today. He demanded that I give him all of me. I was afraid yet excited. I had always enjoyed the things he did to me, and I knew today I was going to get the ultimate enjoyment.

Albach took me, he took every part of me, and he gave me every part of him. I took him in savagely. I was exploding in pain yet the exciting made me yearn for more. He took me to the moon and back multiple times and drowned me in ecstasy. I was only sixteen yet I had become a full woman. It was the best experience I have ever had in my entire life.

All the pleasure I gave Albach had transformed him into a raging bull; always hungry for lust. Albach had become my worst nightmare.

Before “the ” day, Albach appeared once a week and we'd talk, kiss, and do a little hanky-panky, but since he "had" me, he never left me alone. He was there every second of my life. I wasn't free to talk to anyone without him eavesdropping. I didn't even have privacy in the toilet or in the shower. He would watch me, and sometimes, “ took ” me right there in the shower. He would touch me whenever he felt like it, without regards to where I was or what I was doing. His surprise attacks were exciting at first but I began to detest them later.

I remember one very embarrassing incident: I was in the tube(subway). Albach suddenly appeared behind me and started groping my entire body. It was irritating at first but Albach always knew how to arouse me, and I lost myself. I closed my eyes, and before I knew it, I was helplessly moaning. When I opened my eyes, everyone in the train had their jaws down to the floor. There were people frowning and there were people giggling. I heard a shocking remark, “Gosh, she was playing with herself!” I was so embarrassed and ran out of that car to another, and hopped off the train at the next station.

Embarrassing episodes like that were aplenty. I had had enough. It reached a point when the pleasure was only to have him leave. I was tired, really tired of Albach taking me whenever he felt like it. No matter how much I resisted, I couldn't fight him. He had the power to mould me in any way or form he wanted, anytime. I was stressed up to the point of explosion. I even tried to kill myself, but as you know, I was never alone and always under his spell, so, even that I couldn't do.

Years passed and I managed to live through the hellish times by focusing only on the good things he had done to me and for me. I thought of the physical pleasure he had given me in the initial months. He also gave me what other girls could only dream of—my own car, through being responsible for my father mysteriously becoming the sole beneficiary of the will of a distant uncle. I asked Albach about it but he only shook his head and pressed a gentle finger against my lips. “Don't ask,” he softly whispered.

One time, my mother was seriously ill. She had caught some strange flu and the doctors were unable to bring her fever down. If her fever would persist, she would suffer massive brain damage and die. I cried to Albach to do something. He listened patiently but said nothing. I cried desperately thinking his silent meant he couldn't help my mother. But, five hours later the hospital called and gave us good news—my mother's fever had subsided and her condition was stable. She was no longer in danger of dying. I was so happy. I felt even more indebted to Albach. I knew it was him who had helped my mom.

So, my hell was a little better when I thought about the good side of Albach, but it was hell nevertheless. I lived through it day by day. I couldn't run away, I couldn't confide in anyone, I couldn't even free myself with suicide. I felt so helpless and lonely. The only thing left for me was—Alcohol.

I turned to it when I was 22 and have not stopped ever since. I've managed to live in my prison a little easier with the bottle. My health is so bad now that I don't have long to live. As a matter of fact, Albach knows this, that's why he's decided to free me.

YES! I did it. I managed to free myself from my "invisible master."

I am very pleased to be able to tell you my story. It is true, everything about it. You may say I'm a “psycho” and the whole “Albach” thing was, or is, in my head and only in my head. Well, I don't care. To me it was real…VERY REAL!!!

But I'm not free from the bottle though. I believe I will die soon because my liver is badly damaged. But at least I can die in peace.

Tracy Zimbuwa, 35

Two Dead Boys

Mandi used to tell me the poem of the Two Dead Boys. Unfortunately, she told it differently from the copies they have on the internet. I know the lines but I don't know the lines that fit them together.

Here's the internet version:
"One bright day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys got up to fight
Back to back they faced each other
Drew their swords and shot each other
The deaf policemen heard the noise
They got up and shot the two dead boys
If you don't believe this lie is true
Ask the blind man he saw it too"

But the lines that are missing are these:
"One climbed a tree in the empty lot
The other turned the corner in the middle of the block"

I just can't figure out where they fit and it's critically important!

<3 Sarah

A Poem About Mandi

Naked, flame-red hair billowing
In the wind, the smell of marijuana
Deep in her nostrils
And the sharp burn of the bourbon
As it slides down her throat.
She leans back against the tree,
Watching the fire sway and flicker,
The smoke rise, feeling the beat
Of the hippies’ drums.
She loves the grass under her hand,
Loves the frivolity of the moment,
Loves the child she will go home to in the morning.
This is her last Gathering.
After this, she will become the mother faerie,
Golden Tink the mother,
Leading her elven child through life,
Teaching him to love like she does,
To trust, to understand.
She loves her family,
The way they scold her for what she is doing,
For the person she became.
She loves them for that.
She wants to teach drama,
To make young actors rise in their talents,
The artist in them spring to life like hers did.
That’s why she loves, because it’s art,
Because it’s beautiful, because of him,
Because of her, because the world sweeps
Her into its heart and she can never escape.

How

How do you explain to someone that you're meant to be? How do you explain that the moment you met them you felt this spiritual connection that brightens every time you see them? How do you tell someone that you think you'll be with them forever? How do you tell someone you've only known closely for a couple months that you're in love with them? How do you tell a friend that it hurts when he flirts with someone else? How do you explain the wave of emotion that nearly kills you when you're around him? How do you tell him? How do you keep it inside?

<3 Sarah

Marriage consumationm

Is it Baha'i law to consummate your marriage? For those of you who don't know what that means, it means to seal the marriage in sex. I've heard that it's Baha'i law to consummate the marriage within twenty-four hours of the wedding. I didn't know that and I'm not sure if it's true. Anyone know?

<3 Sarah

My Fashion Outline

For Fall and Winter, I want red hair with blond streaks.

For clothes, I want to buy boots. Specifically, I want brown suede boots, white Go Go boots, black leather boots, and blue boots. I want to start buying and wearing tons of dresses with stylish trenchcoats. I plan to find most of the dresses at thrift stores like Goodwill and places like that. Here are some examples of the boots I want:

Just a little something I wrote

You say you don't want
to be the man you were before
But how can you change
when you cling to the memories like a lifeline?
You tell me i'm the only one
who can save you,
bring you back from this darkness
But I haven't seen anything
but the person you hate
Because,,,

You trap yourself in yesterday
Running your tongue over your mistakes
Your eyes roll back into your head
You have no future cause you're already dead

I've tried using my words
but you're like a closed door
someone locked you up
and threw away the key so I can't see if
there's anything else,
someone hiding in the depths
of the threats and insecurities
you've buried yourself under

You trap yourself in yesterday
Running your tongue over your mistakes
your eyes roll back into your head
You have no future cause you're already dead

You finally let me in
But you're not there
It's like trying to catch wind
Trying to see its colors
But there's nothing there

Because you've trapped yourself in yesterday
Running your tongue over your mistakes
your eyes roll back into your head
You have no future cause you're already dead

The chorus to a song that has no verses yet

Whose hand were you kissing before I arrived?
Whose face were you stroking before mine?
How can you promise me everything
When you’ve already given it away?

Mamma Mia lyrics

I was cheated by you
And I think you know when.
So I made up my mind, it must come to an end
Look at me now, will I ever learn?
I don't know how but I suddenly lose control
There's a fire within my soul
Just one look and I can hear a bell ring
One more look and I forget everything

Mamma mia, here I go again
My my, how can I resist you?
Mamma mia, does it show again
My My, just how much I've missed you?
Yes, I've been broken-hearted
Blue since the day we parted
Why, why did I ever let you go?
Mamma mia, now I really know
My my, I should not have let you go

Look at me now
Will I ever learn
I don't know how
But I suddenly loose control
There's a fire within my soul.
Just one look and I can hear a bell ring
One more look and I forget everything

Mamma mia, here I go again
My my, how can I resist you?
Mamma mia, does it show again
My, my, just how much I've missed you?
Yes, I've been brokenhearted
Blue since the day we parted
Why, why did I ever let you go?
Mamma mia, now I really know
My my, I should not have let you go

My list of friends and random habits i've picked up from them

Marcos:
1. walking in circles
2. threatening to stab people
3. playing with peoples' hair

Jennifer:
1. "you're stupid as hell" look
2. looking at situations from every angle
3. calming friends down

Sarah E.:
1. checking out girls
2. watching Dane cook and the ventriloquist guy with puppets
3. loving the crow

Dez:
1. silent anger
2. taking shoes off at random times
3. dressing comfortably

<3 Sarah

I simply don't know what to do

What should I do about boys? The ones that like me, that are in love with me, and then the ones i like. I don't know. Maybe I'll figure something out.

<3 Sarah

Pictures of Corozal, Belize

Fosho Belize

I've been waiting for a sign to help me decide whether I should go to Belize next year for my year of service or do college first then the year of service. Then the other day my Aunt Ruth forwarded me and email from Aunt Bev in Corozal, Belize. She's the secretary of the LSA in Corozal and her email was sent to several people asking for youth doing their year of service to go to Corozal. That was my sign. I'm for sure going to Belize next year after I turn eighteen. I don't know how, but I know God will provide a way. My mom says some of the richer Baha'is will sponsor me to go because they're nice like that. Hopefully they will! I want to drive down through Mexico to Belize and I'll probably stay with my Aunt Bev and work in that beautiful country. I'm so excited! I need people that will be committed to go with me cause there's no way I can drive down by myself. That's just not safe. But if you want to go on your year of service next year to Belize, please comment this and leave your email address or something and I'll talk to you.

<3 Sarah