A Laying on of Hands by Ntozake Shange

i waz missing somethin
somethin so important
somethin promised
a layin on of hands
fingers near my forehead
strong
cool
movin
makin me whole
sense pure
all the gods comin into me
layin me open to myself
i waz missing somethin
somethin promised
somethin free
a layin on of hands
i know bout/layin on bodies/layin outta man
bringin him alla my fleshy self & some of my pleasure
bein taken full eager wet like i get sometimes
i waz missing somethin
a layin on of hands
not a man
layin on
not my mama/holdin me tight/sayin
i'm laways gonna be her girl
not a layin on of bosom and womb
a layin on of hands
the holiness of myself released

i sat up one nite walkin a boardin house
screamin/cryin/the ghost of another woman
who waz missin what i waz missin
i wanted to jump up outta my bones
& be done wit myself
leave me alone
& go on in the wind
it waz too much
i fell into a numbness
til the only tree i cd see
took me up in her branches
held me in the breeze
made me dawn dew
that chill at daybreak
the sun wrapped me up swingin rose light everywhere
the sky laid over me like a million men
i waz cold/i waz burnin up/a child
& endlessly weavin garments for the moon
wit my tears
i found god in myself
& i loved her/i loved her fiercely

Tantalize

Tantalize

I daydream deep into the night
Images of roses never given
Valentine's day has forgotten me
Your lips curve into a perfect smile
and you shake my hand

Darling, your fingers are so smooth
Your gaze is so penetrating
Your eyes are so fathomless
You are so tantalizing

My perception of you is twisted
I only see what's obvious
But I'm like a glass of water to you
Pouring onto your hands and
breaking onto your skin

Darling, your fingers are so smooth
your gaze is so penetrating
Your eyes are so fathomless
You are so tantalizing

I'll take what I can from you
but you'll always have every piece
of me

Darling, your fingers are so smooth
your gaze is so penetrating
Your eyes are so fathomless
You are so tantalizing

Dripping Rubies

She glided through life
like clouds filled with jewels
holding tight to what she had, who she was
She deflected every grin,
brushed off every touch,
sidestepped every question
She never needed anything
until he came along with his
honey words and deep looks
He smiled at her desperately,
and his hands seemed to mold
to her waist, fitting her perfectly
against him.
He caused thunderstorms in her heart
and static in her thoughts
as she ran her fingers through his hair.
He whispered that he loved
the taste of her cherry lips
and the way her skin felt against his.
She felt her clouds began to pour
as she relinquished her precious jewels
to this Latin lover as he swayed her
and gave her the moon and stars
only for one night
She begin to fade away,
losing everything that made her herself,
and by dawn, as he
yanked up his pants and kissed her cheek,
telling her she wasn't half bad
she lay on the bed,
dripping rubies and crying diamonds.

A Laying on of Hands

Ntozake Shange wrote a poem called "A Laying on of Hands". That's what I need. Not a man's hands, I've felt that, not my mother's hugs or the feeling of a child in my womb. My hands. I need the Goddess within me opened, myself laid bare before me so I can collect it and love it fiercely. I need the touch of myself, the completeness of being a woman, of being beautiful. I need to take myself apart, examine each piece, then fit it all back together in my own way, make my own puzzle. I need a laying on of hands. A promise. A freedom.

<3 Sarah

New Year's Resolution

I know it's still December, but I need to start this resolution now. Last night, I dyed my hair back to it's natural color so it can grow out long and pretty. My resolution is to not dye it for the next year, and probably longer. When I go to Belize, I refuse to dye it.

<3 Sarah

I tried to kill myself once

Years ago, I tried to kill myself. Veronica was spending the night and we were in my room. I had the ibuprofen in front of me. I started thinking about my cousin who had tried to kill herself a year before by taking 14 ibuprofen. I counted out 15 ibuprofen and laid them all in front of me. I was sitting on the floor, Veronica was on my bed talking. She was in one of her moods where she looses focus and just says stuff, attempting to sound deep but failing. She sounded high. I started thinking about things. I wasn't stressed. I had nothing to be upset about. Veronica glanced over and asked why i had all those pills. I didn't answer, she didn't ask again. She turned away and started talking again. I took the pills two by two with a glass of water. Right afterwards, I realized what I had done and ran into my mom's room. I told her that I'd taken the pills and she made me stick my finger down my throat and vomit them out in the toilet. I was fine. There is no real reason why I did it. I've told myself it was to get Veronica's attention. I've told myself my dad was the problem. But honestly, there was no reason. I just did it without caring. It wasn't until afterward I realized how much I wanted to live. My mom talked to me and I told her I did it so Veronica would see how much it sucks to know someone you care about tried to commit suicide. I didn't tell Veronica anything. My mom told my dad. He yelled at me over the phone. He told me it was stupid and I didn't have a reason. He was right, but I was pissed that he yelled at me. Would he have yelled if I'd gone to the hospital? If I had started vomiting uncontrollably and nearly died, would he have still yelled? I still wonder that. But I'm never going to do that again.

Fast As You Can by Fiona Apple

Question?

If you meet someone online, should you meet them in person?

Thanksgiving

I was sick for Thanksgiving. I was so weak in the morning and so freezing cold and achy that my mom had to make the pie i was going to make. But then we got to Aunt Ruth's house and everyone was there. People don't realize how much my family makes me feel better. I was in the living room for thirty minutes before i was told to go lay down on Aunt Ruth's waterbed. I didn't get any sleep the night before so the waterbed formed to my body and i fell asleep immediately. they woke me up for turkey and food but I couldn't eat. Then I felt better so we took a walk like we always do and sat around the pond for a while. Towns, Mandi and Onlo's dog, got loose from Mandi and jumped into the sewage water pond. He smelled wretched! That ended our calm pond trip and we walked back to the house. Everyone thought we'd be eating pie but it was time for kitchen cleaning instead. All the meal food was placed in bags, the turkey was picked from the bones and the kitchen was clean. During all this I got to talk to Corey and everyone and he brought out his diggeridoos and we played them and Timothy played the guitar and the little boys ran around like crazy people outside, rolling skateboards down the hill. I went outside with Mat and Skylar and little Skylar and Rhone and watched them be ridiculous. It was adorable. I don't want to write anymore. This sucks.

Sexy Twilight Men

Independence

I'm going to talk to my mom about my independence. Lately I've been restless. I've been wanting to move out and be on my own. I want a job and an apartment and no roommates. Just me. I want to be able to make my own decisions without her looking over my shoulder, punishing me when I make bad ones. I feel oppressed. I love my mom, but it's time for me to go. It's not about wanting to hang with friends, it's about growing up and needing to be free. I need to make my own decisions and not have to worry about what she's going to do to me when she finds out. I'm tired of being controlled. I'm mature enough to make it on my own. I'm strong enough, I'm ready. Let's hope she understands.

<3 Sarah

Twilight!

I just saw Twilight. ORGASM!!!! Jacob Black is a beautiful creature. He had the long hair, the look, everything! I even though Billy was attractive. Edward disappointed me a little bit. I don't like the sparkle in the sun effect, reminded me too much of my little pony. But i love the part where Bella tells Charlie that Edward wants to meet him and he closes the shotgun and says "bring him in". but I think my favorite lines are these:

Edward: So the lion fell in love with the lamb
Bella: What a stupid lamb.
Edward: What a sick, masochistic lion.

Amazing! I would be a stupid lamb but i would definitely ditch Edward for Jacob.

<3 Sarah

Deliver Us From Evil

So yesterday Mr. Cunningham (english teacher) made us watch this documentary called Deliver Us From Evil about this Catholic priest who has molested and raped over 100 children. The documentary showed parents of different victims and the victims themselves talking about what had happened and how much they had trusted this priest. And the Catholic Church, the hierarchy, instead of dismissing him and pressing charges, moved him from parish to parish, from one group of kids to another, exposing more children to such horrid abuse. After the movie, I felt nauseous. It hurts and sickens me to know that this was allowed to go on, that parents were so oblivious, that a holy priest could do such a thing! His youngest victim was said to be a 9 month old baby girl!!!!! A child psychiatrist who had worked with several of the victimized children stated "it's very hard for us to think about. most people pretend it didn't happen. But imagine if you will a grown man, about forty years of age, forcing his penis into the vagina of a 9 month old baby." It's true, most people pretend these things don't happen. Most people are indifferent until it happens to them. Don't be indifferent. speak up.

Criminal by Fiona Apple live

new poem

I Am

I am more.
I am not what you see,
I am what you breathe,
I am the touch you feel between
Dreaming and waking
Because you don’t like to sleep alone either
I am an optimist, a pessimist, a sadist,
An activist, a feminist,
I am a smirk, looking down
On the world,
I am a frown, a tear, and scowl,
A broken heart pleading
And killing all in my grasp
I am emotional, sensual, physical,
Sexual, spiritual,
I am a body filled with water
And on fire
I am an ocean,
Swaying with every choice,
Mixing every decision
I am a song,
Melodious, loud, soft and sweet,
I am tyranny and
Your savior, the shoulder you want to cry on
I am unstable, unable, capable,
Palpable, intangible
I am everything you love
And everything you hate
I am perfectly flawed,
So important I don’t matter,
I am pure and innocent,
And stained and spotted
I am happy when I cry
And sad when I laugh
I am honest and deceiving,
Slipping you a lie
I am narcissistic, masochistic, inerratic,
Ecstatic, enigmatic
I am more.

Pretender

Well you’re a poor, poor soul
You write love poems at night
And fill the silence with helpless sighs
I don’t think you’ll ever grow
You smoke away your emotions
And don’t understand what it means to love

You’re a pretender, a cutter, a hopeless man
I like to watch you fall without offering a hand
It’s funny the way you gasp and scream
The way your eyes grow wide as you reach out to me

Well I’m a poor, poor soul
On the verge of insanity
I want you baby but you’re not what I need
You think I’m putting on a show
I am way too much to take
I will bend you till you break

You’re a pretender, a cutter, a hopeless man
I like to watch you fall without offering a hand
It’s funny the way you gasp and scream
The way your eyes grow wide as you reach out to me

Try a little harder baby
I’m not gonna save you
And risk my sanity
Cause I need to find something better than you
A new drug that won’t hurt me like you do

Cause you’re a pretender, a cutter, a hopeless man
I like to watch you fall without offering a hand
It’s funny the way you gasp and scream
The way your eyes grow wide as you reach out to me

Stay on the Ground

Perfection is a flaw in itself
and you are perfect in every way
You bury real emotion
under the appearance of confidence
You are black and white
and every shade of gray
Your conversation is made of
lies and awkward silence

I slip in and out of consciousness around you
I have to swallow my thoughts around you
I have to stand completely still or I'll fall for you again
And this time I'll stay on the ground

Watching you explain
is like watching a clock break
You get so passionate
when talking about what you don't understand
You're so improvised
but I can predict every move you make
You think you're so
spiritual but you hold me with dirty hands

I slip in and out of consciousness around you
I have to swallow my thoughts around you
I have to stand completely still or I'll fall for you again
And this time I'll stay on the ground
I'll stay on the ground
I'll stay on the ground
I'll stay on the ground

There Was No Way To Say No

Delayed reactions are never safe around you
If I wait too long to push you away
I won't be able to
The way you grip me so strong
Keep my demons at bay
grasp me in your arms
I love how you feel against me
Stuck between you and this wall
I don't even want to be free
You kiss like you're praying
Make me feel small
You make it feel like a sin

I had to give in
There was no way to say no
I had to let you take me
There was no way to say no

I'd like to say I was feeling lonely
that I couldn't hear
And I couldn't possibly have seen
You accepted me for what I am
But I shed no tears
And you knew that you were gonna win

I still don't think it's fair
There was no way to say no
How can you walk away now
There was way to say no

No more sleeping in the streets
No more taking up with you
No more spontaneous decisions of the worst kind
Because baby I'm through

And it wasn't right
There was no way to say no
I'm growing up all of a sudden
There was no way to say no

I am finally saying goodbye

Today I realized that all he does is hurt me. He says he loves me, he buys me things, he lets me vent. But he also tells me i constantly make him feel like shit, I never keep my promises, I am killing him. So today I have decided to tell him he needs to leave. It's time for this whacked out friendship to end. It's time for me to stop enabling him to use me. I'm done listening to his lies. I'm done shirking my responsibilities for him. I'm going to say goodbye for good this time. And I am damn proud of myself.

<3 Sarah

Bare by Sarah Hutchcraft

Something inside me broke and
I cried and cried
until my pillow was soggy with my tears
But it wasn't just for you
It wasn't because of what you did
It was because I let you.
I let you come into my house,
my bed, my sheets, my carpet,
smelling of cheap cologne
stripping me bare
of clothes, of emotion
until you could feel me naked with your fingers,
those smooth, greedy fingers
I let your touch warm me
pretending you could love me
like I loved you
But knowing deep down where
it still hurts, where it hurt the most
that all you loved was the passion,
my body, the way i felt in
your hands, sweaty with desire
I let you kiss me with
curved lips in a wicked grin
warning me each moment that
it wasn't the real me you wanted
and you stripped me bare
of clothes, of emotion
until you could see me naked with your eyes,
those cold, unfeeling eyes
I let you stare me down,
soaking every inch of me into
the darkness of your power over me
Glinting, sparkling, intensified
until I fell to my knees so
I wouldn't look at you,
couldn't look at you because
I could see every part of me
reflected in those dark mirrors
I let you find my soul,
and stroke it until it exploded
and then my heart, taking
it slowly and painfully,
ripping it out piece by piece,
taking my blood, drop by drop
stripping me bare
of clothes, of emotion
until you could smell me naked with your nose
that sharp, soft nose
I let you smell the fear,
the deep longing for you
and you took it and got high
with it, snorting it like i was cocaine
or some evil drug but you
only pretended to lose your senses,
smelling my cold skin,
the perfume that I'd put on
just for you, the shampoo still
strong in my wet hair
I let you catch the aroma
of determination, of desire
and it made your own desire
almost unbearable
and you stripped me bare
of clothes, of emotion
until you could taste me naked with your tongue
that slick, hot tongue
I let you taste my dry
chapped lips and bring them to life,
following the lines and curves
of my body, siwrling away
the sweat trickling down my stomach,
tasting the tense muscles underneath
my skin and releasing them
with overwhelming ecstasy you
search with the tip of your tongue,
studying me, understanding me,
with every sweet suckle I accept you,
I accept you, Tongue marking me,
claiming me so you could trash me
and strip me bare
of clothes, of emotion
until I was naked and cold,
reaching in the darkness for you,
for something, and I grasp-nothing.